Thursday, September 29, 2011


Well I’m glad those bastards have gone. I’m taking a short break from work on my next book to write this blog. One of the main reasons being that the villa down the road from me has just been sold for a scary sum of money, in fact I would have to sell around one billion books to be able to buy it. The new owner has a team of fifty workers there from six in the morning until dark. The constant noise of chainsaws and Hilti guns is beginning to wear me down.

I received an email this morning, it went like this.
There have been three things that changed the way I look at things in life. Malcolm X, Malcolm Mclaren and ML Stewart.

Call me a liar if you wish, this is a bona fide email from a reader, of whom I am gravely concerned.

FBK1 is now being read by 20,208 people, I figure the maximum download will be around 25,000, if that.

FBK2 is still selling well, 12% (rising by about 1% each day) of readers have bought part 2 and the numbers are still rising; alas not enough to keep it at the #1 spot. Back to #2 but hey, I did it for two days and there is still time to go. At least I can now say ... “by the number 1 selling author of the Facebook Killer.” Like I really care?

FBK1 is still getting some outstanding reviews but also some strange ones. One reader today complained that FBK2 wasn’t on Amazon? Another slagged it off badly, “amateurish and pathetic”, when I checked their other reviews they had sung the praises of some cookery book and also a padlock. A f+cking padlock? Now let me be honest here but someone who buys a padlock on Amazon and then writes a review about is not the sort of reader I want. Jesus Christ! Who invented man?

Regular blog-watchers of mine, and I thank you for your continuing support, the salary checks for this month are in the post, will be aware of my strange ways and the fact that I am a method-writer (get in the mood, become the character) but I neglected to mention the music. What is the arsehole talking about now? I hear you cry. Well put it this way, let us take the now world famous Bridgwater Twins as an example. Could I have written that with a cat sitting on my knee, purring away and a cup of Earl Grey on the desk? With a wife calling from the kitchen, “would you like spaghetti or chips with your tea darling? No f+cking way! You can’t torture and then skin two young boys when Mr. Fluffy is snuggling into your crotch and you can hear Beethoven coming from the kitchen.

Think about it. It’s like Adolf Hitler trying to invade Europe when he’s stoned... “Poland, where? No, fucking leave it alone I used to have a Polish girlfriend, she rolled the best spliffs man.” Get me? When I skinned, tortured, poured salt over them before they died (and believe me it was I that did it, not Dmitri or Kalif, they were only pawns in the game) I was wearing headphones and listening to Rage Against The Machine’s “Killing in the name of”, Dermott Madison was reminiscing about his time with Anna and Laura to the sounds of REM’s “Everybody Hurts”, Marilyn Manson helped me kill Adela in Pakistan with his “Fight Song” and Chumbawamba’s “Tub Thumping” brought the rage back each time.

This is why I receive comments like
well done one of the best books i have read in a long time brilliant brilliant brilliant !!! might have to read again !! please keep them comming x”

“i read part 1 and 2 in no time just could not put it down . kept going back on pages just to let it sink in !!!! ohhh cant wait for your next book never normally right reviews on here but this is an exception you should be very proud of yourself a new author too . congratulations x”
“Must say, though pretty gory in parts and some of it was read with one hand over mouth in shock ;),”

“... thats exactly what i did ,,, hand over the mouth thing .... and a lot of OH MY GOD !!!”

So remember my fellow new authors, you are what you create, live it, breathe it and more importantly feel it. We are making movies where the screen is inside of your reader’s brain. You must immerse yourself in your story, become each character, feel how they feel, if they are drunk then get drunk (but don’t forget to check your spelling and grammar the next day:) If you have a scene where your hero punches someone in the face, then go out and do it, but be careful and don’t get caught (MLS recommends that you enrol in a legal boxing class). You can’t write about something of which you have no knowledge or feeling. I have been stabbed twice and shot once and you know what, you don’t feel it in the slightest, so when I see a movie when someone reacts in the wrong way, it tends to get on my wick. Have you ever been in a car when a gun has gone off? Of course not! You become deaf for days afterwards.

It’s not just about spelling and grammar, although these are important, it’s more about emotion.

OK the neighbour’s men are on a break. Back to work for MLS.

Take care readers and remember the name “Adolf” is not in the spellchecker.

1 comment:

SBJones said...

Cheers to the success! Reviews are entertaining. I received one a few days ago comparing my book to HG Wells, X-men, Turkish Manuscripts and opium.