Friday, December 30, 2011

PRESIDENT OBAMA IS DEAD (a childish attempt to rise through search engine results when it happens)

Well, as of today I have been writing solidly for one year (almost seven days a week) and what have the results been since I first published four months ago? Around ₤4,500 ($9,000), just short of 50,000 readers, took the #1 spot for thriller/horror (okay only for a day), received some excellent reviews and some soul-destroying ones too, an insight into the bitchy world of self-publishing, two nicotine-stained fingers, cirrhosis of the liver and a fatwah on my head...a pretty damn good year, all in all!

Did I prostitute myself? Well, put it this way, if I was a woman I wouldn't be able to ride a bike for several months, unless I replaced the saddle with a sofa.

Has it been worth the trauma, frustration, loss of eyesight, paralysis of the fingers and investment in a top of the range commode to save on trips to the lavatory? I would have to say...ask my psychiatrist.

But seriously, the success of FBK has been heartwarming. I honestly had no idea there were so many bloodthirsty, deranged psychopathic readers in the UK.

What have I learned? NON AUTHORS MAY SKIP THIS BORING BIT -Don't spam your books, if your stories are good enough and unique, readers will find them. It may take months or even years but don't give up. It's a cliche but as they say, keep writing. Don't take bad reviews to heart and don't change your writing style to try and appease. You have your own voice so use it, that's what makes us different to so many of the dinosaurs out there. If you are thinking about signing up with KDP lending, don't delete your books from Smashwords, the "unique" clause is bullshit. All my books are still available; they're just trying to bully you. Don't spread yourself too thin posting on every forum under the sun, get on with your work. Write every day, if you can, even if it's only a couple of hundred words. It keeps the story going in your mind. I found that I have to become my characters. I think like them and feel what they feel and I hope that comes across in my writing. Most importantly, never give up and more importantly than that, never write paragraphs the length of this one.

----------------------------------------Boring bit over---------------------------------------------

The more observant readers of this tiresome blog may have noticed the fact that I have changed the date on the heading to Christmas 2012 and so the fight goes on. Only another 450,000 books to "distribute" and twelve months to do it in..... someone oil this f**king hamster wheel, will you?

And so as we head for yet another year, God, all these years are starting to get a bit boring now, it is my resolution to conquer the world (again), but that'll have to wait until after the finger transplants.

If I was asked to describe my year, which I never will be, so I'll tell you anyway...*reader yawns and scratches bum crack* I can only compare myself to a centipede with leprosy; full of fire and gusto as I embarked on my writing career, only to find bits dropping off as I raced along. Until I eventually hopped over the finish line just to have my last hopping leg drop off. My how the stoned tortoise laughed.

Having spent a year living like a hermit, just me and my trusty laptop, I got to thinking. My laptop has everything; it has made so many things redundant. I no longer need a phone as I can Skype, I don't need a watch or a clock, television or DVD player, nor a radio or stereo. I gave my camera to a charity for blind kids and now I take my laptop with me on sightseeing trips, it's a little cumbersome, granted, but it takes decent pictures. I don't need shops anymore as I order everything online. I have a solar charger for my laptop, so I don't even need electricity.  All I need is a laptop big enough to live in. A laphouse (no Lapland jokes please) and my life will be complete.

Anyway, enough of this toss. Fragment (consider revising) I will return in the New Year to further your curiosity of why you continue to read this rubbish.

Until we meet again, my friends, have a great New Year, get smashed out of your minds, keep your pets inside so the fireworks make them shit on the carpet instead of in the garden (That last part does not apply to farmers) but most importantly remember why we celebrate the joyous coming of another year.........?

Best regards

PS. The United Kingdom Of  Islam should be available for your lovely little Kindle machine in the first week of January... I hope.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

The United Kingdom Of Islam Trailer.

Okay so it's after Christmas and I missed my target of half a million books by a little over 90%. Nevermind, the show MUST go on!


Twitter-post: @authorMLStewart