Now, call me what you will, but I am no more racist than a panda (black, white AND Asian), I'm about as homophobic as Graham Norton's boyfriend and I'm all for the arty types. I once went to an art exhibition myself, well, a few of us got drunk in a bus shelter that Banksy had graffitied, if that counts. But there is a strange sub-culture I haven't quite got my head around yet. No it's not emos, or Lady Gaga lookalikes, it's the lesser-known-Kindle-worshipper.
Now, before you all jump down my throat and begin ripping out my guts, let me say this. Yes, I know they're a high percentage of my readers, and I love each and every one of them as if they were my own, and yes, I know a kindle cover is a form of protection so you don't end with baby kindles running around all over the place. Whether it's pink, blue, or ribbed for added pleasure makes not a jot of difference to me. BUT! To give your Kindle a name is pushing the boundaries of sanity, in my opinion.
I mention this only due to the fact that, being in Australia avoiding her majesty's pleasure of incarceration, I read one or two forums over my first six cups of tea in the morning. The UK forums are deserted because it's one or two a.m. in Blighty and everyone's tucked up in bed (with their devices, no doubt). I admit to feeling a little like a burglar and have often been tempted to steal someone's thread, but always resisted and simply rifle through their posts before having a big dump on the living room carpet and smashing the television. Anyway, I digress. This morning, whilst sneaking through the Amazon UK forum, I stumbled upon a fresh post called, did you name your kindle? Now, I was tempted to make a run for it, either that or kick it in the head and steal its car keys, but I refrained. I voyeured it (there's a new verb for the Literati!)
My mouse and I were trembling as we clicked on the subject matter and, lo and behold, we were correct to be shit-scared. Instead of the first reply, to the lovely lady who named her electronic book-reading device, Lilly, being NO! Go and seek help! I actually discovered to my horror that this isn't such a rare illness, this kindlenamingpsychosis. In fact other sufferers are blessed with such delights as "Leviathan", "Tick Tock" and "Twinkle", to name but a few. (Christ, they're going to have the piss ripped out of them when they start kindlegarten).
Anyway, I don't have a kindle. I would have bought one but I couldn't find a cover I liked, what's more I don't like the fact that you actually have to pay for the books. So I downloaded a kindle app for my home computer. I've named it Satan. It's good for viewing my spelling mistakes as a kindle-owner would. I must admit, though, they look much more pronounced in extra-large text. Try it! They kind off screem at you. The only downside is that if I want to take my kindle on the train, I need a wheelbarrow and a two-mile long extension lead.
Anyway, we're on the roundabout, remember? So, whilst creaking upon the floorboards of the deserted forums, I began wondering about some of the users sanity. After all, we name ships, space shuttles, dogs and countries, but do you know anyone who has given their computer a name... I'll make lunch in a minute darling, I'm just restarting Mr. Babbage...Now, Mr. Babbage, are you going to be a good boy this time? No more freezing up on me, you naughty little monkey...
Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but as far as I'm aware a kindle is only good for reading books, it doesn't matter whether it's ribbed or strawberry-flavoured, it's simply for transfer, storage and display of eBooks. Well... my telly transfers, stores and displays moving pictures. It tells me about the weather, what's going on in the world, and sometimes it even shows late night strawberry-flavoured, ribbed movies (which I've heard the neighbour playing the drums to). If I were blind, my telly would still tell me about the weather, the news and I'd still hear my neighbour drumming. But I haven't called the telly Bob or Twinkle or Einstein. He was born Panasonic and so he shall spend the rest of his life as Panasonic.
Now, most of you will have realised by now that I'm not exactly the greatest ambassador for political correctness in the world. I blame my grandfather, that's why my parents changed the family name from Hess to Stewart, but I recently received a review calling FBK racist. This was due to the fact that a little girl mentioned the fact that "the boys speak funny at my school", a mention of one Muslim character looking similar to his wife, and the fact that obviously Muslims NEVER EVER touch a drop of alcohol, worldwide, ever... yet one of my characters got drunk.
I was tempted to direct the reviewer towards the United Kingdom of Islam, where not only do the Islamic supremacists take a bit of a bashing, but also the Irish, Welsh, Scots, English, British Empire, Gypsies, Anti-nazi league, football hooligans, worldwide governments and presidents, the Serb army, the entire country of Norway (and France), paedophiles and right-wing activists. To name but a few. So there! I'm capable of upsetting any walk of life, race or religion. Whether their alcoholic wives look similar to their husbands or not.
I actually have tickets for the Australian Open tennis men's final tonight, I can't even begin to explain the excitement harbouring inside anticipating watching two grown men hit fluorescent green balls at each other. I won't divulge how many zeros were on the end of the ticket price, but I'd rather be curled up in bed with Kylie the Kindle.
Oh, I'd best go! Polly the kettle is singing to me... stroppy bitch!
Facebook Channel: MrMLStewart
Disclaimer: ML Stewart is not now and never has been related to Rudolf Hess.