Saturday, September 24, 2011

I Can’t Think Of A Title For Today’s Blog...

...So we’ll just get stuck into it. A milestone has been reached, on Tuesday the readership of ML Stewart books was 14,487, today at 14:00 Big Ben Time it stands at 20,006. At this rate I only need to sell or giveaway 5,333 books each day between now and when Santa Clause pops his fat arse down the chimney to succeed in my experiment. In the last two days, sales of The Facebook Killer 2 have jumped to almost 300 per day. I put it down to what I call the Kindle Sponge Effect. 17,700 people have FBK1 on their kindles as well as another 50 or more free Ebooks, by the time they get around to reading it they will then hopefully buy Part 2. This could go on for weeks, months or it might stop tomorrow. By my reckoning only 8% of people who have FBK1 have bought FBK2, but with sales steadily rising and FBK3 The Xmas Special due out in seventeen years, I have a very, very, miniscule chance of completing my challenge by Xmas 2028.

My accountant is really starting to get on my tits. He sent me an email yesterday about my chosen profession as an author. It was littered with spelling mistakes and grammatical errors so I gave it a 1-star review, anyway I digress. It went something along these lines. “Dear Mr Stewart, I am writing to you regarding your outstanding bill with Robin, Bastard & Proud. I am afraid to inform you that the current revenue generated from your “books” will barely cover our telephone calls on the subject, never mind our services. Therefore we have issued a court order to have your computers seized and a Section 7 mental evaluation to determine whether or not you are fit to live alone.” The worst of it was, that sneaky little bastard went and bought Rooney the cactus from under my nose, so now there’s going to be a custody battle on top of everything else. Anyway, moving along...

You know you’ve F**ked Up when you receive an email like this one. wrote: Dear Mr. Stewart, I really feel like I have to write to you about this. I have just read your book the Facebook Killer on my kindle. I admit it was an excellent read but something that stuck in my throat was the execution of the twin boys. I was moved to tears and felt more than a little ill. The reason for this is that I have two twin girls and our surname is Bridgewater too. Is there anyway you can change the surnames in the book? I know it sounds silly but I just cant stop thinking about it.

Thanks. Mary Bridgewater.

ML Stewart said: Oops! It’s a little too late for that Mary, my dear. Perhaps you can change your surname instead.

Well you know what they say “You can’t kill all of the people all of the time.”

Christ, what did we do before computers came along? Imagine the women would still be making “Home Sweet Home” needlework samplers whilst their sons practiced the harpsichord. “Pass the snuff darling.”

I have to go now, I have murder on my mind.

ML Stewart

 Stefania wrote: Hi there ML Stewart. Is there a chance I can contact you private?

As long as you're not a Russian man pretending to be a beautiful mail order bride then you can contact me on the above address.

1 comment:

SBJones said...

Ouch on the email. It reminds me of an argument I had with someone about copyright. In the end I said, I don't need to find every woman in the world named Angela with red hair and ask her permission to have a red-headed Angela in my book.