Tuesday, February 28, 2012

ML Stewart Found Dead In A Pile Of His Own Words.

Not content with lowering himself to cleaning prison toilets with a toothbrush, little known author and mass murderer Jeffrey Archer has sunk to a new low. Interviewed on Australian radio channel, Triple M, at the weekend, he revealed how he has stolen world-renowned literary genius ML Stewart's formula for writing.

Talking to a fat sounding presenter with a strange accent and penchant for sausages and beer, Mr. Archer claimed he was a free-flow (©MLS) writer.

"When I begin to write a book," MLS misquoted him as saying, "I only ever have the start and nothing more, no middle or end. If I don't know what's coming next," he continued in a posh accent, "then how can the reader?"

"Isn't that a bit of a rip off," asked the sausage-muncher. "A bit like everyone's favourite, ML Stewart?"

"Never heard of him," replied the criminally insane Archer, as he squirmed in his seat.

Archer (known in certain circles as the angel of death) continued rambling on about his pilfered method of writing, but was lost for words when the fat man pointed out the similarity between the great author's work and Archer's: The use of identical punctuation, and quotation marks when the character enters and exits dialogue. The jailbird audibly cringed when it was pointed out that chapter numbers, used by both authors, matched exactly, and denied plagiarism of the entire sentence "The End," not to mention Archer's use of a book cover with pictures to attract the reader's eye, an idea not too dissimilar to that used by Stewart.

A spokesman for ML Stewart said, "Piss off, I've already got double glazing," and hung up.

Wannabe author, Mr. Archer (Prisoner 66548747) released a statement via his literary agent, Myra Hindley, which read, "Accusations have been brought to my attention that my client, Jeffrey "Jeff the blag" Archer, has stolen the intellectual property of ML Stewart. My client refutes this in the poshest way possible."

A full copy of the 320-page denial is available from all major bookshops priced ₤29.99.


That's true actually, well, not the whole thing, but the bit about cleaning the floor with a toothbrush is.

Sales figures are in for 2012. The MLS readership (excluding pirate copies, the bastards!) stands at 62,095 after six months. In January and February Amazon gave away 7,509 books and sold 3,151. Apple sold 3,650 books (mainly FBK 1 and 2) So actual cash sales for the first two months = 6,801. Payment is expected in 2029.

I have two predictions. The first is that the film adaptation of Eric Lomax's "The Railway Man" starring Colin Firth and Rachel Weisz will win every Oscar known to mankind. I read this book many years ago, before I went blind, and I have actually met the author. An amazing story from an amazing man. The story of a real prisoner, unlike Archer the book thief.

My second prediction regards things happening in threes. First we had the grounding and subsequent sinking of the Costa Concordia, now we have the Costa Allegra deciding to self-combust in the middle of nowhere. The Costa Grande Holiday will be next, it will break up in rough seas somewhere. Watch this space. If and when it does happen, I'll explain why.

FBK 3, or (the Facebook Killer: Part 3) if you're a search engine, is now over 200 pages in length and about eight inches wide. It's almost as long as FBK1 but still only halfway through the story. It is the end of the Facebook Killer legend and I am sure it won't disappoint. It is written, primarily, with two fingers and each chapter accomodates approximately three glasses of red wine and ten cigarettes.

I hope to have FBK3 published in about three weeks, but this can't be guaranteed as there is a shortage of red wine in Australia at the moment, but once the situation is rectified normal service will be resumed.

Well virtual friends out there in liquid crystal display land, it's time for me to get back to my hungry family: Dermott, Albert and Norman.

Best regards,

Twitter Rubbish - @AuthorMLStewart
E-Hate Mail - ml.stewart@yahoo.co.uk

Friday, February 10, 2012

Today's Nonsensical Ramblings From The Mind Of ML Stewart

Global warming? My arse!
Europe's cold enough to kill a herd of wooly mammoths wearing spacesuits and Australia's summer is wet, flooded and not exactly summer at all.

As of three o'clock, Sydney Opera House Time, my readership is sitting at 57,415 people. Since nothing really happened until September, 2011. That averages about 11,500 readers per month.

The figure is actually higher than this, but I won't know my Apple sales until the end of March. 49,000 readers are via Amazon, the other 8,000+ are buying through Smashwords distribution channels.

January has seen the best Amazon sales to date, with over 7,000 sales (and giveaways, of course.) The final cheque, when the bloody pigeon actually delivers it, via Africa, will be around ₤1,400 or $2,800 US.

Now, as I stalk certain forums in the middle of the night, I notice a lot of new authors asking, can you actually make a living from self-publishing? Well, if I were to buy a tin shack in the mudslide regions of the Philippines and grow my own potato (singular) using local dog poo as a fertilizer (and dessert), then the answer would obviously be yes.

However, if you are a parent of twenty-nine children, with a former National Express coach as your runaround, a serious cocaine habit, and an addiction to caviar and truffle smoothies, then basically, the answer is ... bouncing around somewhere in a large tunnel beneath the Swiss - French border, inside the Large Hadron Collider.

Now, if I was back home in Spain I could certainly live well from my book royalties. I have no mortgage, I steal my electricity from a blind neighbour's supply, and I send the local orphans out to shoplift my weekly supplies. Life is good. But here in Australia, well, that's a different story altogether. The orphans have organised themselves into drug cartels and don't show the slightest interest in hardcore grocery theft anymore. Electricity is so expensive that all the neighbours have been cut off and rely solely on one form of activity for heating, fighting off the bailiffs. I kid you not. Since the day I moved in, I was convinced my closest neighbour was morbidly obese. I would only ever see him on a Sunday, looking like a walking Space Hopper. It turns out that's the day he does his laundry, apparently, he wears every item of clothing he owns and waddles up to the closest car wash. He uses the basic wash cycle (no wax, polish or wheel buffing) and gets his laundry done for $2. Sadly, he lost an eye last week. And the manager is still refusing him a refund.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Can you actually make a living from self-publishing? I think, if you have the imagination, the commitment, and a blind neighbour, then yes, you can.
I have just spent a week re-editing my first book, The Sunday Club and, my God, there were some howlers in there. But the story's a cracker, so I still managed a 4 and 5-star review. When I first self-published, last July / August, I didn't have a clue about grammar, sentence structure, formatting or semi colons. But I have learnt the hard way. I've studied long and hard, re-edited all the books, and now I'm making a couple of quid out of them. If I went back to Spain now, I could easily live off the earnings. Albeit a little less extravagantly than I normally do, but it could be done (If I recruited new orphans for the wine and cigarette runs, that is.) But I won't, and do you know why? Commitment, that's why. Pure and simple, unadulterated commitment to being in Australia to attend the Formula 1 Grand Prix.

With regards to the latest book, The United Kingdom of Islam, there is a small discussion going on over in the Mobilereads forum as to whether a non-Muslim author should be allowed to write about Sharia law. I write about serial killers, but at the last count my personal death toll was zero. UKI's lead character is a girl, but the last time I checked ... You get where I'm coming from, I'm sure.

Anyway, I have to go. FBK3 won't finish itself.

Best regards,

Maybe I should have let these guys write the book. (Daily Mail online - today)

Muslim fanatics who called for execution of gays and wanted to set up a 'medieval state' under Sharia law in Derby are jailed for up to two years

Email: ml.stewart@yahoo.co.uk
Twitter: @AuthorMLStewart

Thursday, February 2, 2012

I Have Finished Writing FBK 3...

... for the weeked. I'll continue on Monday.

You may have noticed by now that my mind works along the lines of an internal combustion engine that has been fitted with a nuclear core, it never shuts down. Even a Japanese tsunami couldn't stop me thinking about this, that and the other.

The other day, whilst contemplating hosting a Formula 1 race on the rings of Saturn, it suddenly came to me, wouldn't it be nice if we could add music to our books? If we could insert a file into specific parts of the book, which would then give background music as the readers fell asleep due to the boring storyline? But seriously, think about it. It would bring a more three-dimensional experience to the reader. You could have sad, Hollywood-style piano music when Mr. Mills tells Mrs. Boon their affair is over and he has chlamydia. Or, stirring rock music during a fight scene (although if it were one of Stieg Laaarrrrssssson's fight scenes, it would be the monotonous drone of the Swedish bagpipes, and then his nose would produce excessive bleeding). Not only would this give Indie authors something to do in order to avoid proofreading their books properly, but it would also increase their annual quota of copyright infringements (on top of the stolen cover pictures). This would inevitably lead to the 2012 Literary Copyright Theft Awards.

But, it wouldn't have to stop there. The built-in vibration mode from games console technology could be applied. The reader would then feel the shock Mrs. Boon feels when she's given the devastating news.... No? Well, Bernie Ecclestone thought it was a stupid idea too. [play canned laughter]

My books are still rattling around the charts. Some are doing well, some are like an old faithful dog, which you should have put down weeks ago due to his arthritic hips, but he keeps plodding along next to you.

I sent FBK off to a couple of London agents (more for a laugh than anything else). I won't mention the names of the agents, because I've forgotten them, but the first reply came back saying they didn't have 100% confidence in the book being a success. So I'm going to use the quote, "We have 99% confidence in the Facebook Killer being a huge success." The other reply was a little cheekier: Dear Mr. Stewart, can you send us any manuscripts which haven't been self-published or given away for free? I replied, very politely, No!

I've finally decided that if I invested a billion quid into NASA, the AA, Google Earth & Streets to produce the world's most detailed atlas, I still wouldn't get it published...Dear Mr. Stewart, do you have anything a little more original we can look at?

Once FBK3 is finished, I'm going to take a long break before writing any more, possibly a day or two. I'm going mainstream, too. I know what the Kindlers want. I'll write under the name Melissa Stewart, and it'll be about an orphaned Indian boy who grew up, lost, in the tea plantations. When he eventually finds civilisation, a doctor will inform him that he has every disease known to mankind. It will be a heartrending story of one boy's search for his parents (no one told him they were dead) and his battle, against the odds, to reattach all his limbs using his mouth and a staple gun. It will be set in late 19th century India (as they all are) and I'll give it a touching, intellectual title... "Tealeaves Upon A Cold Wind", and he will befriend a jumper-wearing chimpanzee from the PG Tips adverts. It will be so deep and meaningless it will be shortlisted for the Booker Prize. And at the end, when the boy dies, your kindle will shake like a bastard and play the soundtrack from Ghost.

It's true, I am a genius! 

Best regards.
Melissa Stewart.
Award winning author, and president of Chipping Norton Knitting Circle.

Email: ml.stewart@yahoo.co.uk
Twitter: @AuthorMLStewart

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Facebook Killer: Brief Update...very brief.

Just a quickie, said the .....

I'll have to be quick today, Albert's throwing a tantrum, and when it involves a red-hot poker, it's best not to upset him any further.

Just a quick note to say FBK3 is now up to 14,000 words and just warming up.

FBK is still hanging around the #300 bestseller on Amazon UK (#2 in horror-thrillers), which isn't too bad after four long months and some speeling misstakes. I've watched (sorry, gloated) as a lot of well-known authors shoot past it just to drop right back down again.

FBK is also still doing well in the Apple charts. #39 in the top 100 after such a length of time is pretty damn good, in my humble opinion. Still top ten in the Apple thriller charts.

Anyway, back to work. No one keeps the rage waiting.

Best regards.

Email: ml.stewart@yahoo.co.uk
Twitter: @AuthorMLStewart