Not content with lowering himself to cleaning prison toilets with a toothbrush, little known author and mass murderer Jeffrey Archer has sunk to a new low. Interviewed on Australian radio channel, Triple M, at the weekend, he revealed how he has stolen world-renowned literary genius ML Stewart's formula for writing.
Talking to a fat sounding presenter with a strange accent and penchant for sausages and beer, Mr. Archer claimed he was a free-flow (©MLS) writer.
"When I begin to write a book," MLS misquoted him as saying, "I only ever have the start and nothing more, no middle or end. If I don't know what's coming next," he continued in a posh accent, "then how can the reader?"
"Isn't that a bit of a rip off," asked the sausage-muncher. "A bit like everyone's favourite, ML Stewart?"
"Never heard of him," replied the criminally insane Archer, as he squirmed in his seat.
Archer (known in certain circles as the angel of death) continued rambling on about his pilfered method of writing, but was lost for words when the fat man pointed out the similarity between the great author's work and Archer's: The use of identical punctuation, and quotation marks when the character enters and exits dialogue. The jailbird audibly cringed when it was pointed out that chapter numbers, used by both authors, matched exactly, and denied plagiarism of the entire sentence "The End," not to mention Archer's use of a book cover with pictures to attract the reader's eye, an idea not too dissimilar to that used by Stewart.
A spokesman for ML Stewart said, "Piss off, I've already got double glazing," and hung up.
Wannabe author, Mr. Archer (Prisoner 66548747) released a statement via his literary agent, Myra Hindley, which read, "Accusations have been brought to my attention that my client, Jeffrey "Jeff the blag" Archer, has stolen the intellectual property of ML Stewart. My client refutes this in the poshest way possible."
A full copy of the 320-page denial is available from all major bookshops priced ₤29.99.
That's true actually, well, not the whole thing, but the bit about cleaning the floor with a toothbrush is.
Sales figures are in for 2012. The MLS readership (excluding pirate copies, the bastards!) stands at 62,095 after six months. In January and February Amazon gave away 7,509 books and sold 3,151. Apple sold 3,650 books (mainly FBK 1 and 2) So actual cash sales for the first two months = 6,801. Payment is expected in 2029.
I have two predictions. The first is that the film adaptation of Eric Lomax's "The Railway Man" starring Colin Firth and Rachel Weisz will win every Oscar known to mankind. I read this book many years ago, before I went blind, and I have actually met the author. An amazing story from an amazing man. The story of a real prisoner, unlike Archer the book thief.
My second prediction regards things happening in threes. First we had the grounding and subsequent sinking of the Costa Concordia, now we have the Costa Allegra deciding to self-combust in the middle of nowhere. The Costa Grande Holiday will be next, it will break up in rough seas somewhere. Watch this space. If and when it does happen, I'll explain why.
FBK 3, or (the Facebook Killer: Part 3) if you're a search engine, is now over 200 pages in length and about eight inches wide. It's almost as long as FBK1 but still only halfway through the story. It is the end of the Facebook Killer legend and I am sure it won't disappoint. It is written, primarily, with two fingers and each chapter accomodates approximately three glasses of red wine and ten cigarettes.
I hope to have FBK3 published in about three weeks, but this can't be guaranteed as there is a shortage of red wine in Australia at the moment, but once the situation is rectified normal service will be resumed.
Well virtual friends out there in liquid crystal display land, it's time for me to get back to my hungry family: Dermott, Albert and Norman.
Twitter Rubbish - @AuthorMLStewartE-Hate Mail - firstname.lastname@example.org