Monday, April 23, 2012

M.L. Stewart Voted "Author Of The Week" By Upper Poppleton Model Aeroplane Club.

Well, since no one else is going to offer. Today, I have decided to interview myself.

MLS: So tell me, Mr. Stewart, when did you start writing?
ME: Do you mean today, or in my life?
MLS: In your life...twat!
ME: Well, if you discount the graffiti, and the ransom note for little Timmy Johnson's bicycle, I would have to say...I can't actually remember. I suppose my first attempt at a serious literary manuscript was during an O level English exam. My English teacher was a giant of a man, with a cumulonimbus hairstyle, and a well-educated, Etonian type voice. As part of my coursework, I had already written a horror story. I can't remember the exact plot, but I remember the villain being struck by lightning at the end. When he handed it back to me, I'd never seen so much red ink in my life. He had destroyed my work of art and marked it a FAIL. So, me being me, I decided to piss him off with my exam essay. I wrote it in the first person, and it was about a boy, stuck in an English exam without a clue what to write about. It was full of observations on what the other kids were doing, about the feelings of anxiety as the clock ticked away, and cloud head's squeaky left shoe. I never did finish the story, as the bell rang for the end of time, which I duly noted in my essay.  I received an A+ for that story. The equivalent of an early 5-star review, I suppose. And I never wrote a thing for the next ten years. Except for cheques and signing police bail forms.

MLS: In literary talent circles, you have been compared to Jeffrey Archer. In fact, I read that lately on this very blog.
ME: That's correct, and it's not something I'm particularly proud of. Archer's use of punctuation is too traditional for my liking, and he's too afraid to break basic grammar rules, unlike myself.

MLS: The Facebook Killer series has taken my Great Aunt Doris's Octogenarian's Reading Circle by storm. In fact, old Hector Postlethwaite dropped down dead after reading the part about the Bridgewater twins. Can you tell the sad person reading this blog what gave you the idea for such a ridiculous storyline?
ME: I actually stole the idea from the film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, then reworked the theme so no one would notice. Instead of a flying car, I used a laptop computer. I changed the characters names too. Truly Scrumptious became Dermott Madison, and Jeremy & Jemima Potts became Albert and Norman. I dumped the musical score too, opting for torture instead. It's a much more family-friendly product than the original.

MLS: Did you know that when you Google FBK3 it comes up with a German vacuum cleaner bag?
ME: That was purely intentional. It's called cross marketing.

MLS: You've sold over two thousand copies of the Facebook Killer on Amazon alone this month...
ME: And fifteen vacuum cleaner bags!
MLS: ...where do you go from here?
ME: Well, I sent off my two synopses to HarperCollins and received a lovely email, from Princess Babutu Mahadi. I assume she's one of the editors. Anyway, her father, the King of Kobutoland, was killed in a horrific plane crash last year and I'm in negotiations with her to launder a billion dollars through my account. So the writing might have to go on the back burner while I travel the world on a flying carpet.

MLS: Have you considered writing a comedy?
ME: No.
MLS: Good!

MLS: A group of DJs were recently arrested in Wolverhampton for uploading music onto iTunes, then purchasing vast quantities with stolen credit cards, and pocketing the royalties. Do you think this happens in the book world?
ME: Undoubtedly! I think Stieg Larssssssssson is actually a mafia-backed money laundering scam. I don't think anyone has actually bought his books, apart from Don Mario Calabratti and his boys. It's definitely stolen credit cards that are keeping him at the top of the charts.

MLS: If you were Prime Minister, what changes would you make?
ME: Which country?
MLS: England, you knob!
ME: On environmental grounds I would immediately outlaw all petrol and diesel vehicles. The entire country would have to go electric, and the petrol stations would be replaced by Stella Artois stations. Obviously I would relax the drink driving laws at the same time. I would also overhaul the prison system. To save money I would introduce 23-hour suicide watch.

MLS: Do you think your reader has grown bored with this interview yet.
ME: Definitely.
MLS: Me too.

Below is a lovely post a reader place on the Amazon UK forum. The Amazon FBK thread

L. Brine says:
As an avid reader of many different genre of books (but thrillers/horrors by far my favourite) I was absolutely astounded by how much I enjoyed your Books The Facebook killer...It is by far some of the best books I have read in a very long time, and kept me glued to my kindle till silly o'clock in the morning because I just couldn't put it down, Having just finished part 3 of the series and loved the ending just depressed there are no more to read lol... I also saw that The Facebook Killer had been made into a film but I'm unable to find it or any information anywhere regarding this...Can anyone help please.... Just to say again you are and amazing author and I wish you well with your future writing and I look forward to reading more of your books.....

Thanks L, but I'm not going to reply, because authors aren't allowed to, and I don't want Adolf Amazon banning me from his site.

Well, that's about it for today. I'll keep you all updated about my dealings with the publisher and the Stella Artois stations. Until then....

Thank you my friends.
Best regards,

Twitter Rubbish - @AuthorMLStewart
E-Hate Mail -

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

I Should Have Got A Proper Job!

My latest book, which is currently up to 11,000 words (44 pages), is coming along nicely, but I can't tell you anything about it, because I have to keep it a secret until HarperCollins have read it. If they tell me to shove it up my jacksy, then I'll let you know what it's about (I can tell you it features a serial killer.)

On the subject of serial killers, I have a book at the moment entitled Without Conscience, The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us, by Robert D Hare, Phd. Which is quite scientific but gives an excellent insight into behavioural patterns of the aforementioned.

The Facebook Killer series is still selling well, with over 2,000 sales in the past fortnight (Amazon & Apple) FBK3 is still not available for Apple readers because Smashwords informed me that chapters 22 and 38 did not have a Cnox. What the hell they mean by that, I don't know, but someone is on the case and I hope when FBK3 is eventually published it will rocket up to the number one spot. When I first self-published, I thought a book would have a lifespan of maybe two - three months, especially if it was selling well, and especially in the UK where the official number of ebook readers stands at 415. But I'm pleasantly surprised to see FBK1 is back in the Apple top 100 today, after eight months. Anyway, that's the trumpet full of saliva, so I'll put it down.

For me, today is a day to celebrate. Did I buy a new Ferrari? Another beachfront house? No. Nothing like that. Today I connected to an ADSL landline. Having spent years connecting to the internet via satellite, and spending embarrassing amounts of money in the process, I can now unashamedly enable pictures and not worry about a £20 top up only lasting an hour. I feel like a blind man who has been given the gift of sight, a deaf man who has received an iPod implant. To quote the famous song, I can see clearly now the white box with the little red cross in it has gone. I'm in picture heaven. I can Youtube to my heart's content, I can see how beautiful my Twitter followers really are and, more importantly, I now know what David Cameron looks like.

Which leads me on to a point. I will, one day in the future, embark on writing a book in the old style. It will be done without the use of any electronic apparatus. I'll research the story via libraries, telephone calls made from public phone boxes, and handwritten letters. The final book will be written on a typewriter, and published in 2042. It will be priced at five shillings and available exclusively from Woolworths.

As my diehard followers know, this blog began as an experiment for self-promotion. Little of which, if any, I have done lately, preferring to get on with writing books. When I published my first book, "The Sunday Club", ten months ago, I was part of a gaggle quacking on about our new releases. I've noticed since then most of those geese are still going on about the same book, whereas I've managed to write a further four since then [ML Stewart picks up trumpet]. Don't worry, it's still sopping wet. My point is, we can waste our time banging on about our books, or we can write a new one.

I've wasted enough of your time. I must finish this synopsis. Time's running out.

Thank you my friends.
Best regards,

Twitter Rubbish - @AuthorMLStewart
E-Hate Mail -

Monday, April 2, 2012

If You Have Absolutely Nothing Better To Do In Your Life ... Read This, Then Go Out And Find A Hobby You Might Enjoy.

For some reason my spellchecker keeps reverting back to its place of origin, U.S. So I apologize beforehand for any Zs that creep into today's blog.

So...where is the ML monster at the minute? I hear you cry, reaching for the large bottle of pills and vodka. Well, since you ask, I'll tell you. I'm in a very weird state of limbo. I've been writing solidly for almost two years, and now FBK3 is out, and I have to prepare the synopsis for my next book, I'm just kind of hanging around. The synopsis doesn't need to be submitted until later in the month, and I don't want to start writing another ebook before then. So I'm sort of thinking and twiddling at the moment.

As I wrote in my last blog, I would love the publishers to take the next book. But it seems strange already. As you know I work from one basic idea and model the plot and characters from there. An ebook can be as long or short as you like. So planning an entire book in advance has been a little weird, but enjoyable nevertheless. Having said that, the idea is absolutely brilliant, if I do say so myself. In fact it leaves me a little worried about my own imagination.

I actually have two books fully planned out. If the publishers take them, then they'll be incredible works of art. If they say "no, bugger off" then they will be hobbled-together ebooks like my readers love, and have grown to expect from me. Either way the readers win.

The Facebook Killer: Parts 1,2 & 3 are all in the Amazon Top 20 of Horror. Part 2 is actually now outselling Part 1 at around 60 copies a day. 1 & 2 are still in the Apple Top 100 and FBK3 is still going through the publishing process, but will hopefully take the Number One slot again when it's eventually Apple-ized.

I telephoned Spain last week, and my villa is still there, as is Rooney the cactus. I feel like an absent father. Apparently he has grown two extra needles in my absence and I wasn't even there to witness it.

I've decided to apply to take part in the next series of the UK's Dragons' Den. I'm going to pretend to have invented a revolutionary new machinegun. Obviously the Dragons will take the piss out of me when they realise it's the same as any other machinegun, but that's when I'll steal their huge piles of money, leaving them with zero equity. I can just see it now. When I get back downstairs in my ski mask, Britain's strangest-looking television presenter will say to me, "So, M.L, it seemed to go pretty well up there, and you got all the money you came for. Well done."

On the subject of Dragons' Den, I've written the basis for a literary version. The panel of investors would be publishers, a rich author, and me, of course. Then wannabe authors would turn up and pitch their book. I would be a little like Duncan Ballantyne and never invest, just pull stupid faces and yawn a lot. But I think it would be a hit show. You would have to explain why your book is different from anyone else's, so the authors of vampire books would immediately get a hard time from JK Rowling. Me? I'd just yawn and pull a face. You would have to bring your own desk to the studio, and dress in the exact same manner as when you write. Can you imagine? You would have thriller writers in their underwear, a bottle of whisky in front of them and a full ashtray, romance authors with a cat on their lap and a cup of decaf, and a science fiction writer wearing his Darth Vader suit whilst surrounded by his inspirational army of galactic characters.

Am I rambling again? Yes I am. Sorry. Anyway, I must get back to the synopsification of my future books. And I know what you're all thinking. You, ML, are a little like Van Gogh. You won't be famous until you're dead...and I can't wait.

Best regards,

Twitter Rubbish - @AuthorMLStewart
E-Hate Mail -