So here I stand (or more aptly lie), at the starting line, with only my tongue to pull myself along, pitted against an amphetamine-fuelled hare. How can I win this race? To tell you the truth...I haven't got a ******* clue.
I have considered changing my author name to slightly misspelled versions of the rich and successful: James Paterson, Don Brown, J.K. Rawling or even Stephen Lather. I could rename my books: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Parlour or Barack Obama: A BIOGRAPHY (I saw him once on television). But I know I'd be branded a fraud. This no-legged tortoise has to do it on his own and failure is NOT an option... Well actually it is a huge possibility, but not an option...not yet...soon maybe, but not yet.
OK, enough of the fighting talk. Down to "distribution", zero, zilch, nothing, nula since I stopped the free giveaway of the books. Four downloads of the samples on Smashwords but no cash. I have put the villa-extension plans on hold for the time being. My accountant explained to me, in no uncertain terms, that at this rate I would to have sell 11 million books and that would take me until the year 3098. Now I may be an optimist, but I think there is every chance that I may be dead by then.
I am still hopeful that sales of Facebook Killer Part 2 will kickstart my so far drab career, with over 200 copies of part one given away, I am hoping to $ell at least 5% of the follow up. Which is what I am wasting my time writing now.
My controversial book is being written slowly. I have been banned from several other UK Christian websites but I have gained a foothold in the US online bible-bashing belt. Stay tuned for more damnation. American-style, 'cos those guys can kick ass. I can hear the unmanned drone-assault aircraft being refuelled as I write, fully loaded with the latest lightning-strike-from-God missiles. The USS GodSquad aircraft carrier will be moored opposite my villa in a matter of weeks. The heat-seeking missiles trained on my toilet so they can catch me when I'm least prepared.
So what have we learned folks?
A) If you want people to read your books and the financial gain isn't your primary agenda. Get on to smashwords, free of charge. If they're good enough, you'll get some fans. Then slowly start charging.
B) If you have a pet tortoise and the Ministry of Defence come round to your house, call the police.
Here are some comments from some of the blogs much appreciated followers, all ten of you XXX.
You will have to keep a log of what you are doing and where you are doing it. That way we can see what parts of your efforts returned the largest gain.