Monday, January 9, 2012

Voted Most Irritating Blog Of 2011 By The Readers Of "Latvian Stamp Collectors Monthly"

Boo! Heeeeere's Stupid!

"Darling, he's written another blog."
"That's it, I'm turning the power off at the fuse box and the computer's going straight back to the shop on Saturday."

As I sit here, unshaven, my beard down to my month-old socks, an ashtray replaced by a skip and a layer of dust on my folically-challenged brain covering. I have to ask myself, is it really worth it? Paying all that money for a skip, when I could get off my lazy arse and empty the ashtray?

But seriously, is it? I've spent day at night working on my latest book, UKI. My eyes aren't just square; if I don't blink for a minute my pupils become screensavers. Five long months in writer's quarantine. I envy the fresh air afforded to hermits, the camaraderie shared by monks of the silent order as they play charades and pretend to laugh. I hear people in the street, laughing and having fun, and I tell them to keep the noise down or ask them questions about the correct use of punctuation. I dream about Emily Piper, my latest protagonist, we go on picnics and discuss semi colons.

United Kingdom Of Islam has over three quarters of a million characters (including spaces) and every one has to be checked, or the Literati will crucify me with their reviews. If I asked a man in the street to press my doorbell 760,000 times, he'd think I was insane (it's not a strange request, is it?)

So why do so many Kindle readers complain about having to pay for books? Or worse still, grumble that they can't share books with each avoid payment. Piracy (theft) of ebooks is bad enough without our legitimate channels of income turning into a shoplifter's amnesty. I wouldn't dream of...  *desperately thinking of an analogy as Emily Piper calls me back to work* ....I wouldn't dream of buying a factory and then expect all of the employees to work long and hard for no pay, just because I bought the bloody building. Crap? Mmm a bit... but time is my enemy, bear with me.  So why should authors, be they good, bad or dead, do the same?

Amazon needs to share the blame. They lower prices so much that some of the "kindlers", especially the new ones, expect cheap or free books all the time.  FBK1 is still free and they can't give me the "price-matching" bullshit, because Amazon is the only one giving it away for free, almost 35,000 copies now! I admit, it was a good leg up for selling Part 2, but enough is enough. When Part 1 reverts to its normal price it still sells well and I make some skip money, but that only lasts a few days at a time and then it's thrown back in the Slush Pond.

Returns! They're another pain in the arse. The reader can return the book within seven days if they aren't satisfied. My US sales are never affected by returns, neither Europe, but in the UK? I don't have many returns a month, last month only 10. But, to prove a point 5 returns were from FBK1 and the other 5, you guessed it, FBK2. That tells me this, these tightwads are downloading all the free books they can get their hands on, forgetting which were free and which were paid for, so they return everything once they've read it. Effectively, free books. Amazon should make a limit of, say, 5 book returns per month. The reader can judge by the sample and reviews whether they are going to like a book (unless of course its a new release) so why give the bastards their money back?

When UKI is finally published it's going to be ₤1.99 and if Uncle Amazon changes the price, I'm going to remove it. My face is in severe need of spiting, and my nose is too big anyway.

Okay, moving along and lowering the blood pressure as I go.

I found the following while trawling the net in search of goldfish porn. I know this is probably quite tragic in most people's eyes and I don't want to upset anyone, but if I do you can get to the back of the ML Stewart Assassination Queue.

In 2010 this chap, Charles Kembo, murdered almost his entire family: wife, mistress, friend and stepchild. That part, I agree, is tragic (depending on the circumstances). Anyway, he went on to self-publish a children's book under an assumed female name. When the Canadian press got hold of this they went public with the story.

To cut a long story short, this guy's book has five reviews on Amazon.

1 Star: This book was written by a serial killer. Seriously, research the author. I choose not to support the art of murderers, sent my copy back.  
1 Star: Do not buy this book.
1 Star: it's true - he's a serial killer
4 Stars: love it, cant wait for the rest of the series!!!, Not sure what the guy above me is talking about but I read this to my 5 and 7 year old boys every night and they love it! Even if the guy is a serial killer (yea right hahaha) the book is still great. Maybe writting children's books is all he's good at. Shame on you trying to take that away from him. For shame.
5 Stars: Not a bad first effort; rape scene may be inappropriate for some children. ...... My 5-year-old and 10-year-old loved it - we look forward to future entries in the series!

WTF? ... RAPE SCENE MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR SOME CHILDREN? Oh, don't be such an old fuddy duddy. This is the 21st Century, all the kids are talking about rape and murder by the time they finish kindergarten... Sweet Jesus!

It gets better. This guy likes "to write in semi-darkness, alone in the nude," and you lot think I'm strange.

It gets better still. The price of the book is $110..... pass the lethal injection someone.


Believe it or not, but it's true. I received this email at the weekend.

Dear Mr. ML Stewart.

I am writing to you with an unusual request and I hope you dont find it rude of me. My 8 year old son uses my Kindle quite alot as I have got books on there for him. Last week I left him with his aunt while my husband and I went away for the weekend. When we got back he was in a terrible state and refused to sleep in his bedroom. It turns out that he read your book Facebook Killer while we were away and is now scared out of his wits. He wont even walk past the computer.
Could you find it in your heart to send him an email at this address, his name is Toby, and tell him that its only a story. I would be so happy if you'd do this for us.

Yours sincerely,

Now, I have two replies saved in my drafts. The first is the one her son wants to read, BUT the other begins like this.

Dear Toby,
Remember when Mummy and Daddy told you that the monsters under the bed don't exist? Well they lied to you............

That's all folks, Emily Piper is calling.
Until next time.........


The independent ML Stewart Fan Page on Facebook


The above blog posting was not edited, proofread or given a shit about.

1 comment:

SBJones said...

You could reply to the email with a link to Google news after searching with the terms. Facebook and Killer.