Thursday, January 5, 2012

The Facebook Killer ... It's Like Finding A Vintage Rolls Royce In An Old Barn.

WTFAYTA? I hear you cry, as your better half screams, "I hope you're not reading that idiot's bullshit again! If I've told you once I've told you a million times, he's nothing but a XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX"

Well, I will digress a little and then we'll drive around the roundabout together and get back to the point, you direct, I'll steer.

FBK 1 and 2 are still in the top 10 UK Apple iBook Charts and have been since they made it onto Apple, only two months ago. The books have been kicking the arses of lesser-known authors such as Stieg Larsssssson, James Patterson, Lee Child and Jeremy Clarkson (Where the f*ck did he come from?), Oh, I forgot to mention JRRRRR Tolkien, he's only around number 40. Shame on him and his dwarfs! I won't tell you how many thousands of FBK have been sold, I'd rather melt my trumpet down and sell it for scrap than blow it. Did I mention I also beat Warhorse?

ACCELERATE! I hear you cry. Well, FBK2 has just become #1 again in the UK Amazon thriller-horror chart and remains in the top 100 Thrillers (normal, boring thrillers, that is)

FASTER, TWAT! Relax, we're getting to the roundabout and the point of the story.

CHANGE GEAR! Oi, who's blog is this? Or should I call you Jeremy? Loser. God, I hate backseat drivers. Anyway *breaking slightly and dropping into third* My point is this...

It's a bloody big roundabout by the way, we might get lost.... You open the door of an old barn and see something hidden under ancient blankets, straw and a dead cow. The farmer has already told you that whatever you can find in the barn will only cost you a quid (That's $2 to my American / Canadian readers and yes, we're still driving on the left-hand side of the road, so pay attention) So, under the blankets you find a 1923 Silver Ghost FBK Rolls Royce. It's scratched and covered in pigeon shit (that's eagle shit in USA) The tyres are flat and it hasn't been run for 70 years or so. What do you do? Do you take it for a quid or not?

MIND THE BUS! Okay, here's my point. Hello! Wake up! No one has a gun to your head, demanding you read this. I know FBK still has some typos in it because I left them in there on purpose (The diehards will remember the arguments I had with the Literati when I first started this blog) The good reviews are still coming in. "Yes a few typos but a gripping story" or something to that effect.

THE POINT! *check rear view mirror, indicate and pull into the taxi rank* Readers like to think they've discovered something themselves. A gem, rough diamond, fossilized dog shit, whatever. I know a lot about antiques and I know that people would prefer a three hundred year old chest of drawers, straight out of a family home, complete with patina than an over-restored one with replacement handles from Christie's of London.

POLICE CAR APPROACHING. DRIVE! So I have to ask myself. If my old chest of drawers, covered in fingerprints and with a pair of dirty old socks left in the top drawer, can kick arse in the Apple and Amazon charts, should I bother to go back (again) and correct the typos? FBK is raw, it's supposed to be. It's in your face and I make no apologies for that. It's tub-thumping, rip up the rulebook, new generation writing (so my Great Aunt Doris tells me). It's a scratched Rolls Royce under a dead cow, but it's selling better than Jeremy Clarkson's Ferrari and Tolkien's hearse.

BLUE LIGHTS FLASHING BEHIND NOW..... O.K GET OUT AND WALK HOME! All I'm saying is that I write for real people. People who don't care about a misplaced semi-colon here and there, readers who are more interested in the story than the use of words that make them feel intelligent after they've looked them up online, because it's not in their dictionary or thesaurus. Words, which they will later use at the Doctor's cocktail party, and then the Doctor will look up online etc. etc.

Get the point?


Maybe next time.

Anyway, I'm going to be a coward and correct those typos now.

As always, it's been a pleasure.
Take care my friends and remember, as Jeremy Tolkien Larssson says in his book "WarCow" ........ Be Brave, Be Brave.

Best Regards,

UK Apple Book Charts (If you think I'm lying)
Twitter Rubbish - @AuthorMLStewart
E-Hate Mail -

But WAIT! There's more..........
Kate Aaron said...
actually it's better than that:

The Facebook Killer: Part One has appeared on the charts 117 times. It has appeared on charts in UK, USA. It has appeared on the Fiction & Literature , Horror , Mysteries & Thrillers genre charts

The Facebook Killer: Part 2 has appeared on the charts 147 times. It has appeared on charts in UK. It has appeared on the Mysteries & Thrillers genre charts.

The Sunday Club: The story of the ultimate English Robbery. has appeared on the charts 17 times. It has appeared on charts in UK. It has appeared on the Mysteries & Thrillers genre. (warning ~ this site is addictive!)

Thanks Kate, here ... take my trumpet :)

No comments: