Friday, January 6, 2012

Please email all Fatwas to

Don't worry; I've started polishing the Rolls Royce. I refuse to pump up the tyres though.

I've never been one to mince my words, so I'll come out with it. My Editor is very close to getting a bullet in her brain... there! Now let me tell you about this bitch spawn from Hell. She is English by birth, but not by brain cell. A retired English teacher here in the big down under. And the most infuriating woman I have met since I had to suffer watching Dawn French stuff huge amounts of Terry's Chocolate Orange into her planet some people call a face.

The book is now 560 pages long or wide, however you wish to describe a pile of paper which doesn't actually exist. It has the dimensions of a Stieg Larssssssson book, and we all know my views on that. It's a hernia-inducing, axis-shifting monster. But the bitch-from-Hell isn't happy, is she? Nooooo... I need to expand on this bit, add a little more detail to that character, pick up a gun and shoot her between the eyes etc. You get the drift.

So that's why the publication is late. I am losing a sale a week with these bloody delays and I'm, frankly, getting a little ticked off with the Dawn French of the book-eating world.

EOR - (end of rant) because I'm so hip and trendy with all this text speak.

I'm going to write my next book in the wingdings font, just to piss everyone off. , that's a comma by the way, and this is a full stop . Mail, no mail, mail, no mail.

DAWN FRENCH That says DAWN FRENCH in reality, but to me it says.... I don't like 2 cross death..... but if you had carried on eating those huge chocolate oranges death would like you and you'd be six feet under.

You may think I'm a little bit STRANGE  but wingdings actually comes into FBK3 at some point.

To tell you truth, I'm only writing this blog today because I'm locked in my apartment. Seriously! Not locked up but locked in. I'm waiting for a locksmith, the handle's broken and I can't get out. But next week I move into a fabulous beachfront apartment, which I've taken a six-month lease on. If I can get out of this place, that is.

Anyway my friends, I hear a van pulling up outside, it may be Mr. Locksmith coming to release me.
As I mentioned, I hope to have The United Kingdom Of Islam published in a week. So clear out your recycle bins in preparation.

I have links to Twitter etc but honestly? I can't be bothered to post them today.

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