Thursday, February 2, 2012

I Have Finished Writing FBK 3...

... for the weeked. I'll continue on Monday.

You may have noticed by now that my mind works along the lines of an internal combustion engine that has been fitted with a nuclear core, it never shuts down. Even a Japanese tsunami couldn't stop me thinking about this, that and the other.

The other day, whilst contemplating hosting a Formula 1 race on the rings of Saturn, it suddenly came to me, wouldn't it be nice if we could add music to our books? If we could insert a file into specific parts of the book, which would then give background music as the readers fell asleep due to the boring storyline? But seriously, think about it. It would bring a more three-dimensional experience to the reader. You could have sad, Hollywood-style piano music when Mr. Mills tells Mrs. Boon their affair is over and he has chlamydia. Or, stirring rock music during a fight scene (although if it were one of Stieg Laaarrrrssssson's fight scenes, it would be the monotonous drone of the Swedish bagpipes, and then his nose would produce excessive bleeding). Not only would this give Indie authors something to do in order to avoid proofreading their books properly, but it would also increase their annual quota of copyright infringements (on top of the stolen cover pictures). This would inevitably lead to the 2012 Literary Copyright Theft Awards.

But, it wouldn't have to stop there. The built-in vibration mode from games console technology could be applied. The reader would then feel the shock Mrs. Boon feels when she's given the devastating news.... No? Well, Bernie Ecclestone thought it was a stupid idea too. [play canned laughter]

My books are still rattling around the charts. Some are doing well, some are like an old faithful dog, which you should have put down weeks ago due to his arthritic hips, but he keeps plodding along next to you.

I sent FBK off to a couple of London agents (more for a laugh than anything else). I won't mention the names of the agents, because I've forgotten them, but the first reply came back saying they didn't have 100% confidence in the book being a success. So I'm going to use the quote, "We have 99% confidence in the Facebook Killer being a huge success." The other reply was a little cheekier: Dear Mr. Stewart, can you send us any manuscripts which haven't been self-published or given away for free? I replied, very politely, No!

I've finally decided that if I invested a billion quid into NASA, the AA, Google Earth & Streets to produce the world's most detailed atlas, I still wouldn't get it published...Dear Mr. Stewart, do you have anything a little more original we can look at?

Once FBK3 is finished, I'm going to take a long break before writing any more, possibly a day or two. I'm going mainstream, too. I know what the Kindlers want. I'll write under the name Melissa Stewart, and it'll be about an orphaned Indian boy who grew up, lost, in the tea plantations. When he eventually finds civilisation, a doctor will inform him that he has every disease known to mankind. It will be a heartrending story of one boy's search for his parents (no one told him they were dead) and his battle, against the odds, to reattach all his limbs using his mouth and a staple gun. It will be set in late 19th century India (as they all are) and I'll give it a touching, intellectual title... "Tealeaves Upon A Cold Wind", and he will befriend a jumper-wearing chimpanzee from the PG Tips adverts. It will be so deep and meaningless it will be shortlisted for the Booker Prize. And at the end, when the boy dies, your kindle will shake like a bastard and play the soundtrack from Ghost.

It's true, I am a genius! 

Best regards.
Melissa Stewart.
Award winning author, and president of Chipping Norton Knitting Circle.

Twitter: @AuthorMLStewart

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