Well, since no one else is going to offer. Today, I have decided to interview myself.
MLS: So tell me, Mr. Stewart, when did you start writing?
ME: Do you mean today, or in my life?
MLS: In your life...twat!
ME: Well, if you discount the graffiti, and the ransom note for little Timmy Johnson's bicycle, I would have to say...I can't actually remember. I suppose my first attempt at a serious literary manuscript was during an O level English exam. My English teacher was a giant of a man, with a cumulonimbus hairstyle, and a well-educated, Etonian type voice. As part of my coursework, I had already written a horror story. I can't remember the exact plot, but I remember the villain being struck by lightning at the end. When he handed it back to me, I'd never seen so much red ink in my life. He had destroyed my work of art and marked it a FAIL. So, me being me, I decided to piss him off with my exam essay. I wrote it in the first person, and it was about a boy, stuck in an English exam without a clue what to write about. It was full of observations on what the other kids were doing, about the feelings of anxiety as the clock ticked away, and cloud head's squeaky left shoe. I never did finish the story, as the bell rang for the end of time, which I duly noted in my essay. I received an A+ for that story. The equivalent of an early 5-star review, I suppose. And I never wrote a thing for the next ten years. Except for cheques and signing police bail forms.
MLS: In literary talent circles, you have been compared to Jeffrey Archer. In fact, I read that lately on this very blog.
ME: That's correct, and it's not something I'm particularly proud of. Archer's use of punctuation is too traditional for my liking, and he's too afraid to break basic grammar rules, unlike myself.
MLS: The Facebook Killer series has taken my Great Aunt Doris's Octogenarian's Reading Circle by storm. In fact, old Hector Postlethwaite dropped down dead after reading the part about the Bridgewater twins. Can you tell the sad person reading this blog what gave you the idea for such a ridiculous storyline?
ME: I actually stole the idea from the film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, then reworked the theme so no one would notice. Instead of a flying car, I used a laptop computer. I changed the characters names too. Truly Scrumptious became Dermott Madison, and Jeremy & Jemima Potts became Albert and Norman. I dumped the musical score too, opting for torture instead. It's a much more family-friendly product than the original.
MLS: Did you know that when you Google FBK3 it comes up with a German vacuum cleaner bag?
ME: That was purely intentional. It's called cross marketing.
MLS: You've sold over two thousand copies of the Facebook Killer on Amazon alone this month...
ME: And fifteen vacuum cleaner bags!
MLS: ...where do you go from here?
ME: Well, I sent off my two synopses to HarperCollins and received a lovely email, from Princess Babutu Mahadi. I assume she's one of the editors. Anyway, her father, the King of Kobutoland, was killed in a horrific plane crash last year and I'm in negotiations with her to launder a billion dollars through my account. So the writing might have to go on the back burner while I travel the world on a flying carpet.
MLS: Have you considered writing a comedy?
MLS: A group of DJs were recently arrested in Wolverhampton for uploading music onto iTunes, then purchasing vast quantities with stolen credit cards, and pocketing the royalties. Do you think this happens in the book world?
ME: Undoubtedly! I think Stieg Larssssssssson is actually a mafia-backed money laundering scam. I don't think anyone has actually bought his books, apart from Don Mario Calabratti and his boys. It's definitely stolen credit cards that are keeping him at the top of the charts.
MLS: If you were Prime Minister, what changes would you make?
ME: Which country?
MLS: England, you knob!
ME: On environmental grounds I would immediately outlaw all petrol and diesel vehicles. The entire country would have to go electric, and the petrol stations would be replaced by Stella Artois stations. Obviously I would relax the drink driving laws at the same time. I would also overhaul the prison system. To save money I would introduce 23-hour suicide watch.
MLS: Do you think your reader has grown bored with this interview yet.
MLS: Me too.
Below is a lovely post a reader place on the Amazon UK forum. The Amazon FBK thread
L. Brine says:
As an avid reader of many different genre of books (but thrillers/horrors by far my favourite) I was absolutely astounded by how much I enjoyed your Books The Facebook killer...It is by far some of the best books I have read in a very long time, and kept me glued to my kindle till silly o'clock in the morning because I just couldn't put it down, Having just finished part 3 of the series and loved the ending just depressed there are no more to read lol... I also saw that The Facebook Killer had been made into a film but I'm unable to find it or any information anywhere regarding this...Can anyone help please.... Just to say again you are and amazing author and I wish you well with your future writing and I look forward to reading more of your books.....
Thanks L, but I'm not going to reply, because authors aren't allowed to, and I don't want Adolf Amazon banning me from his site.
Well, that's about it for today. I'll keep you all updated about my dealings with the publisher and the Stella Artois stations. Until then....
Thank you my friends.
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