The Story Of The Tortoise And The Hare.....

OK so I am the tortoise. Now in their eternal wisdom, the British Army decided to use me for an experiment during the Second World War. They had the amazing idea that due to my camouflage and natural armour, I would be great at sniffing out land mines, without the Germans spotting me. All went well for a month or so; Princess Diana would have been proud. Then one day, as I was trying to diffuse a mine by biting through the blue wire, a piece of lettuce, that had gotten caught up in my teeth, caused a short circuit and BOOM! I was left a former shell of my old self. The field surgeons tried to reattach my legs but there was no chance.
    So here I stand (or more aptly lie), at the starting line, with only my tongue to pull myself along, pitted against an amphetamine-fuelled hare. How can I win this race? To tell you the truth...I haven't got a ******* clue.

I have considered changing my author name to slightly misspelled versions of the rich and successful:  James Paterson, Don Brown, J.K. Rawling or even Stephen Lather. I could rename my books: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Parlour or Barack Obama: A BIOGRAPHY (I saw him once on television). But I know I'd be branded a fraud. This no-legged tortoise has to do it on his own and failure is NOT an option... Well actually it is a huge possibility, but not an option...not yet...soon maybe, but not yet.

OK, enough of the fighting talk. Down to "distribution", zero, zilch, nothing, nula since I stopped the free giveaway of the books. Four downloads of the samples on Smashwords but no cash. I have put the villa-extension plans on hold for the time being. My accountant explained to me, in no uncertain terms, that at this rate I would to have sell 11 million books and that would take me until the year 3098. Now I may be an optimist, but I think there is every chance that I may be dead by then.

I am still hopeful that sales of Facebook Killer Part 2 will kickstart my so far drab career, with over 200 copies of part one given away, I am hoping to $ell at least 5% of the follow up. Which is what I am wasting my time writing now.

My controversial book is being written slowly. I have been banned from several other UK Christian websites but I have gained a foothold in the US online bible-bashing belt. Stay tuned for more damnation. American-style, 'cos those guys can kick ass. I can hear the unmanned drone-assault aircraft being refuelled as I write, fully loaded with the latest lightning-strike-from-God missiles. The USS GodSquad aircraft carrier will be moored opposite my villa in a matter of weeks. The heat-seeking missiles trained on my toilet so they can catch me when I'm least prepared.

So what have we learned folks?
A) If you want people to read your books and the financial gain isn't your primary agenda. Get on to smashwords, free of charge. If they're good enough, you'll get some fans. Then slowly start charging.
B) If you have a pet tortoise and the Ministry of Defence come round to your house, call the police.

Here are some comments from some of the blogs much appreciated followers, all ten of you XXX.

You will have to keep a log of what you are doing and where you are doing it. That way we can see what parts of your efforts returned the largest gain. By SBJones Thanks SB, I am keeping a log. It will be available for sale as an Ebook next year priced $1,000.99 I am over $1,400 into my self published book. Most of it was getting the paperback created. Getting your name out there is important. If you can reach a lot of people easily with emails then do it. However if you start to spend any money or a lot of time. Target people who have influence. A radio host, a local tv news person, celebrities. These people reach a lot more people than others. You could tell 1000 people and maybe 1% (10 people) buy it. Get the guy on tv/raido to tell 100,000 people and maybe 8% (8,000 people) buy it. By SBJones Hi again, SB, sound advice. Take note people! I am following your progress with interest. I do wonder how it would change if the book wasn't free from the start. By Emerging Writer Hi EW, thanks for following my drivel. I am surprised you have the patience. Good luck with your emerging, let us know how you get on. Bro I am a fellow author and I must say you are extremely clever and funny as hell; witty. I have 4 short stories out now and I am following your experiments keenly. I wish you the best. I want you to mark my name so you will remember I knew you when and supported you before you sold the half a million books. I am going to ask you to make me a guest author on your blog. Cool beans. Conrad Milton Powell. By Conrad Milton Powell Hi Conrad Milton Powell, Thanks for the compliments, the cheque is in the post (or check if you are American) I don't think I have the power to allow a co-author on this blog, which may actually be a blessing in disguise. Only jesting! (or joking if you are American.) Loyal followers! Thank you for your continuing support. I have two stunts in progress but without any reaction yet. When I have results, you'll be the first to know.   As that ******* hare would say....."That's all folks!" Or was it a rabbit?  M.L. Stewart.  P.S. Time to rob another bank methinks.