Friday, August 3, 2012

Give a man a fish and he will feed himself for a day, give him a rod and he will sell it for beer money.


[coughs]
"A bit bloody dusty in here, innit?"

Shit. I just checked the date of my last blog entry. The first of June. So let me begin, even though I already have, by apologising for not motivating my lazy arse and letting my thousands of fans know what's going on in the f+cked up world of the ML Stewart monster.

As I mentioned on Twitter, I have been asked by HarperCollins UK to submit the full manuscript for my current book project "Hunter". This is on a strictly 'no promises' basis. In other words don't sue us for wasting your time if we think the book is shit.

One of HC's editors first contacted me earlier this year after reading The Facebook Killer (which she absolutely loved) and asked if I would consider writing a book for them. And so, after several emails, phone calls and storyline changes, I am now approaching 70,000 words of my latest novel, Hunter.

Set in London, it's the story of a serial killer whose horrific crimes were never rationalised, even though he was captured and is now imprisoned in the high security unit of Belmarsh Prison. When, twenty years later, another victim is found, mutilated in the exact same fashion, DS Liz Porteous is assigned the task of solving the riddle surrounding the original murders in a effort to stop the modern day body count rising.

If that sounded like a sales pitch, I'm sorry, it wasn't supposed to. I am writing Hunter in the same style as FBK. There are manic moments, dark (almost sadistic humour) and I defy anyone who eventually reads the book (whether it is published by HC or self-published) to work out the plot before I allow it.

One or two people have pointed out that FBK was a little two-dimensional, and my reply has always been - yes, it's supposed to be. You have one man and a laptop computer. That man's psyche becomes three, but they always belong to Dermott, and his apples, his victims, are just that. Victims. The reader doesn't need to know any more about them than what they give away on their Facebook page.

Hunter on the other hand delves much deeper. We learn a lot more about Liz Porteous, the serial killer's mind is opened up to us and, Edward King, a freelance journalist, makes a clumsy entrance to add to the storyline. But be warned, I do still indulge in moments of literary insanity.

As for book sales? Well [gets out the calculator] In a nutshell, I have sold (and given a few away) 81,384 books. Across the board I am currently selling a little over 1,000 books a month through Amazon, and around 1,700 per month via Smashwords, 99% of which go to Apple readers.
 
FBK 1 & 2 have been numbers 1 and 2 in the UK Apple Horror charts for over a year now, and are still fighting off the likes of Stephen King. FBK3 managed #17 in the Overall Apple Top 100, but that lesser known Fifty Ways To Beat Your Bitch opened the floodgates for an Erotifest and Apple buyers lost their minds, their principles and quite a lot of skin from their arse cheeks, too.

To be honest I rarely check my book sales nowadays, let alone the reviews. I just hammer away, day in day out on my next piece of work. I have a strict regime. Get up, read the paper online, drink horrendous amounts of tea until my kidneys scream, begin writing, smoke cigarettes until my lungs scream, move on to red wine until my liver screams, and keep writing until my characters scream.

I would just like to add that I have done no self-promotion whatsoever for almost five months now, and book sales have remained constant. It may be snobbery, but I now tend to look at the self-promo-prostitutes with an air of disdain...which, reminds me, I have a date with DS Porteous. It would be rude to keep her waiting.


Best regards,
MLS

Twitter Rubbish - @AuthorMLStewart
E-Hate Mail - ml.stewart@yahoo.co.uk

Friday, June 1, 2012

Life Imitating Art.

Straight out of the pages of The Facebook Killer...

The man in the latex mask: How BLACK serial armed robber disguised himself as a WHITE man to hold up betting shops

  • Henley Stephenson wore the disguise during a 12-year campaign of hold-ups at betting shops and other stores across London


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2153346/Black-armed-robber-disguised-white-man-using-latex-mask.html#ixzz1wbeFlI00

Friday, May 25, 2012

I'm Going To Prove That Even A Scumbag Like Me Can Write A Bestselling Book

Okay, here's the scenario. FBK3 has only been available to Apple buyers for 24 hours. It just entered the UK Top 100, and went straight into the Mystery & Thriller Charts at #22. I haven't done any self promotion, just a note here or there saying the book is available. As the Lord is my witness, I am going to knock the world's bestseller "Fifty Shades Of Porn" off the top of a chart...any chart, it doesn't matter. It's Christian Grey versus Dermott Madison time. The gloves are off, and I reckon Albert and Norman are going to lend a hand kicking that sick son of a bitch's arse off the number one spot.

I feel the world has had enough of 'mommy porn', it's time for violence and revenge to reenter the global arena. My book doesn't have a boring picture of a tie on its cover. NO! It has a laptop and a man with six arms. I haven't been on Breakfast Television or British radio parading my wares. NO! Because I don't need to. I know what the British book-reading public want, and it's not Fifty Shades Of Porn and a box of Kleenex, it's gratuitous violence, torture, and the incorrect use of semi colons.

Prepare for battle my friends and may the best man win!

Onwards and upwards,
MLS


Monday, April 23, 2012

M.L. Stewart Voted "Author Of The Week" By Upper Poppleton Model Aeroplane Club.

Well, since no one else is going to offer. Today, I have decided to interview myself.

MLS: So tell me, Mr. Stewart, when did you start writing?
ME: Do you mean today, or in my life?
MLS: In your life...twat!
ME: Well, if you discount the graffiti, and the ransom note for little Timmy Johnson's bicycle, I would have to say...I can't actually remember. I suppose my first attempt at a serious literary manuscript was during an O level English exam. My English teacher was a giant of a man, with a cumulonimbus hairstyle, and a well-educated, Etonian type voice. As part of my coursework, I had already written a horror story. I can't remember the exact plot, but I remember the villain being struck by lightning at the end. When he handed it back to me, I'd never seen so much red ink in my life. He had destroyed my work of art and marked it a FAIL. So, me being me, I decided to piss him off with my exam essay. I wrote it in the first person, and it was about a boy, stuck in an English exam without a clue what to write about. It was full of observations on what the other kids were doing, about the feelings of anxiety as the clock ticked away, and cloud head's squeaky left shoe. I never did finish the story, as the bell rang for the end of time, which I duly noted in my essay.  I received an A+ for that story. The equivalent of an early 5-star review, I suppose. And I never wrote a thing for the next ten years. Except for cheques and signing police bail forms.

MLS: In literary talent circles, you have been compared to Jeffrey Archer. In fact, I read that lately on this very blog.
ME: That's correct, and it's not something I'm particularly proud of. Archer's use of punctuation is too traditional for my liking, and he's too afraid to break basic grammar rules, unlike myself.

MLS: The Facebook Killer series has taken my Great Aunt Doris's Octogenarian's Reading Circle by storm. In fact, old Hector Postlethwaite dropped down dead after reading the part about the Bridgewater twins. Can you tell the sad person reading this blog what gave you the idea for such a ridiculous storyline?
ME: I actually stole the idea from the film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, then reworked the theme so no one would notice. Instead of a flying car, I used a laptop computer. I changed the characters names too. Truly Scrumptious became Dermott Madison, and Jeremy & Jemima Potts became Albert and Norman. I dumped the musical score too, opting for torture instead. It's a much more family-friendly product than the original.

MLS: Did you know that when you Google FBK3 it comes up with a German vacuum cleaner bag?
ME: That was purely intentional. It's called cross marketing.

MLS: You've sold over two thousand copies of the Facebook Killer on Amazon alone this month...
ME: And fifteen vacuum cleaner bags!
MLS: ...where do you go from here?
ME: Well, I sent off my two synopses to HarperCollins and received a lovely email, from Princess Babutu Mahadi. I assume she's one of the editors. Anyway, her father, the King of Kobutoland, was killed in a horrific plane crash last year and I'm in negotiations with her to launder a billion dollars through my account. So the writing might have to go on the back burner while I travel the world on a flying carpet.

MLS: Have you considered writing a comedy?
ME: No.
MLS: Good!

MLS: A group of DJs were recently arrested in Wolverhampton for uploading music onto iTunes, then purchasing vast quantities with stolen credit cards, and pocketing the royalties. Do you think this happens in the book world?
ME: Undoubtedly! I think Stieg Larssssssssson is actually a mafia-backed money laundering scam. I don't think anyone has actually bought his books, apart from Don Mario Calabratti and his boys. It's definitely stolen credit cards that are keeping him at the top of the charts.

MLS: If you were Prime Minister, what changes would you make?
ME: Which country?
MLS: England, you knob!
ME: On environmental grounds I would immediately outlaw all petrol and diesel vehicles. The entire country would have to go electric, and the petrol stations would be replaced by Stella Artois stations. Obviously I would relax the drink driving laws at the same time. I would also overhaul the prison system. To save money I would introduce 23-hour suicide watch.

MLS: Do you think your reader has grown bored with this interview yet.
ME: Definitely.
MLS: Me too.


Below is a lovely post a reader place on the Amazon UK forum. The Amazon FBK thread

L. Brine says:
As an avid reader of many different genre of books (but thrillers/horrors by far my favourite) I was absolutely astounded by how much I enjoyed your Books The Facebook killer...It is by far some of the best books I have read in a very long time, and kept me glued to my kindle till silly o'clock in the morning because I just couldn't put it down, Having just finished part 3 of the series and loved the ending just depressed there are no more to read lol... I also saw that The Facebook Killer had been made into a film but I'm unable to find it or any information anywhere regarding this...Can anyone help please.... Just to say again you are and amazing author and I wish you well with your future writing and I look forward to reading more of your books.....

Thanks L, but I'm not going to reply, because authors aren't allowed to, and I don't want Adolf Amazon banning me from his site.

Well, that's about it for today. I'll keep you all updated about my dealings with the publisher and the Stella Artois stations. Until then....


Thank you my friends.
Best regards,
MLS

Twitter Rubbish - @AuthorMLStewart
E-Hate Mail - ml.stewart@yahoo.co.uk




Wednesday, April 18, 2012

I Should Have Got A Proper Job!

My latest book, which is currently up to 11,000 words (44 pages), is coming along nicely, but I can't tell you anything about it, because I have to keep it a secret until HarperCollins have read it. If they tell me to shove it up my jacksy, then I'll let you know what it's about (I can tell you it features a serial killer.)

On the subject of serial killers, I have a book at the moment entitled Without Conscience, The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us, by Robert D Hare, Phd. Which is quite scientific but gives an excellent insight into behavioural patterns of the aforementioned.

The Facebook Killer series is still selling well, with over 2,000 sales in the past fortnight (Amazon & Apple) FBK3 is still not available for Apple readers because Smashwords informed me that chapters 22 and 38 did not have a Cnox. What the hell they mean by that, I don't know, but someone is on the case and I hope when FBK3 is eventually published it will rocket up to the number one spot. When I first self-published, I thought a book would have a lifespan of maybe two - three months, especially if it was selling well, and especially in the UK where the official number of ebook readers stands at 415. But I'm pleasantly surprised to see FBK1 is back in the Apple top 100 today, after eight months. Anyway, that's the trumpet full of saliva, so I'll put it down.

For me, today is a day to celebrate. Did I buy a new Ferrari? Another beachfront house? No. Nothing like that. Today I connected to an ADSL landline. Having spent years connecting to the internet via satellite, and spending embarrassing amounts of money in the process, I can now unashamedly enable pictures and not worry about a £20 top up only lasting an hour. I feel like a blind man who has been given the gift of sight, a deaf man who has received an iPod implant. To quote the famous song, I can see clearly now the white box with the little red cross in it has gone. I'm in picture heaven. I can Youtube to my heart's content, I can see how beautiful my Twitter followers really are and, more importantly, I now know what David Cameron looks like.

Which leads me on to a point. I will, one day in the future, embark on writing a book in the old style. It will be done without the use of any electronic apparatus. I'll research the story via libraries, telephone calls made from public phone boxes, and handwritten letters. The final book will be written on a typewriter, and published in 2042. It will be priced at five shillings and available exclusively from Woolworths.

As my diehard followers know, this blog began as an experiment for self-promotion. Little of which, if any, I have done lately, preferring to get on with writing books. When I published my first book, "The Sunday Club", ten months ago, I was part of a gaggle quacking on about our new releases. I've noticed since then most of those geese are still going on about the same book, whereas I've managed to write a further four since then [ML Stewart picks up trumpet]. Don't worry, it's still sopping wet. My point is, we can waste our time banging on about our books, or we can write a new one.

I've wasted enough of your time. I must finish this synopsis. Time's running out.

Thank you my friends.
Best regards,
MLS

Twitter Rubbish - @AuthorMLStewart
E-Hate Mail - ml.stewart@yahoo.co.uk