The Sinking of the Costa Concordia - As The World Reels - Carnival Call Their Lawyers And Wipe The Blood Off Their Hands.

Today's blog has nothing to do with books, apart from the fact that in FBK2 Dermott Madison and Albert took a cruise on a Carnival ship.

This blog may seem disrespectful in the current light of things, but no matter, this blog must be written.

If you have been personally affected by the sinking of the Costa Concordia cruise liner I urge you to stop reading now.

As the world mourns, argues about and debates the sinking of the cruise ship Costa Concordia, let me give you some cold hard facts about the company that owns the line and the safety hazards that occur within these ships.

Firstly, you will ask yourselves, how does this bloke know anything about anything? Well, if you have read FBK2 you will realise that I have actually been on a Carnival cruise ship, several actually.

There was a time in my life when I had to disappear for a while, well, six months to be precise. I decided the best option was to float about on federal waters in a Panama or Bahamas registered ship. Visiting Mexico, the Caribbean (East & West) and South America.

All of these ships were part of the Carnival fleet (Carnival Corporation owns Costa Cruise lines) To cut a long story short I spent six months of my life travelling back and forth on their ships, getting to know the crew and eventually blagging a "crew area" pass for the last ship, Carnival Glory, upon which I spent three weeks as a VIP guest.

That's the history - Here are the facts.

The good points:

A) The onboard safety training of all crew is to the highest standard (International Maritime Organisation & US Coastguard). They are basically brainwashed into knowing what to do and where to go in case of an "emergency at sea"

And that's where the good points stop.

The bad points:

1) Most ships have a crew of around 1,000. In my estimation only 10% of these have English as their first language (USC, British, some Filipinos and Indians). The Costa Concordia, like most ships, had a predominantly Asian crew (Filipino, Indonesians and Indians) None of which would be able to speak Italian to the predominantly Italian passengers and officers. Most Italians DO NOT speak English, it is not taught in their schools, even though it is the legal language of the sea. I have met captains who do not speak English!!!

2) The Carnival Corporation employ the cheapest labour they can find. Therefore they use native language speakers to conduct employment interviews in the aforementioned countries. English, the language of the sea, is never used in said interviews.

So what do we have? A disaster at sea and a crew who hardly speak English let alone Italian. That is why some guests were told to go back to their cabins and others were ordered to head to their "muster stations" in preparation of boarding lifeboats. We have a situation of chaos caused by the desire to employ slave labour.

A galley worker can earn $600 (three hundred quid) for working, not a week, but a month. That's seven days a week (officially 10 hours a day but normally much more) for six to eight months at a time. Carnival don't care if the galley slave speaks English, as long as he can cook eggs or clean dishes until the day he dies. But if Carnival obeyed maritime law, we wouldn't have dead bodies off the coast of Italy and many more missing.

3) The company implemented the fact (as of last year) that any new employee must pass the Marlin's English test before they were allowed to join a ship. But the fact remains that 90% of their employees (that's a guess) expect to work for the Carnival for a minimum of 10 years and most of those employees were with the company before the English test was introduced.

There is a story among the Carnival employees about an inspection from the US Coastguard. They do an excellent job (especially due to the fact that Carnival hide all of their non-English speaking crew during an inspection) Anyway, the Coastguard collared a Chinese crewmember and asked him what was the signal for an emergency. (Its seven short blasts of the whistle followed by one long blast, btw) The only English this guy understood was emergency, so he proceeded to imitate the ship's whistle, covering the Coastguard Inspector in spittle.

I laughed when I heard this story. But no one is laughing now.

In short, Carnival are a law-breaking, racist company (who pay higher wages to white Europeans for doing the same job as their Asian or South American counterparts.)

If every crewmember had spoken English/Italian on the Costa Concordia (as they should) there would be no hearses waiting on the pier.

4) All of Carnival's cruise ships used to be built in Scandinavia (mainly Finland) to the highest quality. The steel used in the hulls would kick any rock's arse. To please the shareholders costs were brought down and now the ships are built in Trieste, Italy. Low grade craftsmanship, low quality steel...rock...fucked!

I could go on for pages and eventually clog up the entire server but I won't. You get my drift. This was something which was destined to happen and thank God they weren't out to sea.

MLS 

Voted Most Irritating Blog Of 2011 By The Readers Of "Latvian Stamp Collectors Monthly"

Boo! Heeeeere's Stupid!

"Darling, he's written another blog."

"That's it, I'm turning the power off at the fuse box and the computer's going straight back to the shop on Saturday."

As I sit here, unshaven, my beard down to my month-old socks, an ashtray replaced by a skip and a layer of dust on my folically-challenged brain covering. I have to ask myself, is it really worth it? Paying all that money for a skip, when I could get off my lazy arse and empty the ashtray?

But seriously, is it? I've spent day at night working on my latest book, UKI. My eyes aren't just square; if I don't blink for a minute my pupils become screensavers. Five long months in writer's quarantine. I envy the fresh air afforded to hermits, the camaraderie shared by monks of the silent order as they play charades and pretend to laugh. I hear people in the street, laughing and having fun, and I tell them to keep the noise down or ask them questions about the correct use of punctuation. I dream about Emily Piper, my latest protagonist, we go on picnics and discuss semi colons.

United Kingdom Of Islam has over three quarters of a million characters (including spaces) and every one has to be checked, or the Literati will crucify me with their reviews. If I asked a man in the street to press my doorbell 760,000 times, he'd think I was insane (it's not a strange request, is it?)

So why do so many Kindle readers complain about having to pay for books? Or worse still, grumble that they can't share books with each other...to avoid payment. Piracy (theft) of ebooks is bad enough without our legitimate channels of income turning into a shoplifter's amnesty. I wouldn't dream of...  *desperately thinking of an analogy as Emily Piper calls me back to work* ....I wouldn't dream of buying a factory and then expect all of the employees to work long and hard for no pay, just because I bought the bloody building. Crap? Mmm a bit... but time is my enemy, bear with me.  So why should authors, be they good, bad or dead, do the same?

Amazon needs to share the blame. They lower prices so much that some of the "kindlers", especially the new ones, expect cheap or free books all the time.  FBK1 is still free and they can't give me the "price-matching" bullshit, because Amazon is the only one giving it away for free, almost 35,000 copies now! I admit, it was a good leg up for selling Part 2, but enough is enough. When Part 1 reverts to its normal price it still sells well and I make some skip money, but that only lasts a few days at a time and then it's thrown back in the Slush Pond.

Returns! They're another pain in the arse. The reader can return the book within seven days if they aren't satisfied. My US sales are never affected by returns, neither Europe, but in the UK? I don't have many returns a month, last month only 10. But, to prove a point 5 returns were from FBK1 and the other 5, you guessed it, FBK2. That tells me this, these tightwads are downloading all the free books they can get their hands on, forgetting which were free and which were paid for, so they return everything once they've read it. Effectively, free books. Amazon should make a limit of, say, 5 book returns per month. The reader can judge by the sample and reviews whether they are going to like a book (unless of course its a new release) so why give the bastards their money back?

When UKI is finally published it's going to be ₤1.99 and if Uncle Amazon changes the price, I'm going to remove it. My face is in severe need of spiting, and my nose is too big anyway.

Okay, moving along and lowering the blood pressure as I go.

I found the following while trawling the net in search of goldfish porn. I know this is probably quite tragic in most people's eyes and I don't want to upset anyone, but if I do you can get to the back of the ML Stewart Assassination Queue.

In 2010 this chap, Charles Kembo, murdered almost his entire family: wife, mistress, friend and stepchild. That part, I agree, is tragic (depending on the circumstances). Anyway, he went on to self-publish a children's book under an assumed female name. When the Canadian press got hold of this they went public with the story.

To cut a long story short, this guy's book has five reviews on Amazon.

1 Star: This book was written by a serial killer. Seriously, research the author. I choose not to support the art of murderers, sent my copy back.  

1 Star: Do not buy this book.

1 Star: it's true - he's a serial killer

4 Stars: love it, cant wait for the rest of the series!!!, Not sure what the guy above me is talking about but I read this to my 5 and 7 year old boys every night and they love it! Even if the guy is a serial killer (yea right hahaha) the book is still great. Maybe writting children's books is all he's good at. Shame on you trying to take that away from him. For shame.

5 Stars: Not a bad first effort; rape scene may be inappropriate for some children. ...... My 5-year-old and 10-year-old loved it - we look forward to future entries in the series!

WTF? ... RAPE SCENE MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR SOME CHILDREN? Oh, don't be such an old fuddy duddy. This is the 21st Century, all the kids are talking about rape and murder by the time they finish kindergarten... Sweet Jesus!

It gets better. This guy likes "to write in semi-darkness, alone in the nude," and you lot think I'm strange.

It gets better still. The price of the book is $110..... pass the lethal injection someone.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Believe it or not, but it's true. I received this email at the weekend.

Dear Mr. ML Stewart.

I am writing to you with an unusual request and I hope you dont find it rude of me. My 8 year old son uses my Kindle quite alot as I have got books on there for him. Last week I left him with his aunt while my husband and I went away for the weekend. When we got back he was in a terrible state and refused to sleep in his bedroom. It turns out that he read your book Facebook Killer while we were away and is now scared out of his wits. He wont even walk past the computer.

Could you find it in your heart to send him an email at this address, his name is Toby, and tell him that its only a story. I would be so happy if you'd do this for us.

Yours sincerely,

XXXXX XXXXXXXXXXX

Now, I have two replies saved in my drafts. The first is the one her son wants to read, BUT the other begins like this.

Dear Toby,

Remember when Mummy and Daddy told you that the monsters under the bed don't exist? Well they lied to you............

That's all folks, Emily Piper is calling.

Until next time.........

MLS

The independent ML Stewart Fan Page on Facebook


Follow @AuthorMLStewart

HATEmail: ml.stewart@yahoo.co.uk

The above blog posting was not edited, proofread or given a shit about.

Please email all Fatwas to ml.stewart@yahoo.co.uk

Don't worry; I've started polishing the Rolls Royce. I refuse to pump up the tyres though.

I've never been one to mince my words, so I'll come out with it. My Editor is very close to getting a bullet in her brain... there! Now let me tell you about this bitch spawn from Hell. She is English by birth, but not by brain cell. A retired English teacher here in the big down under. And the most infuriating woman I have met since I had to suffer watching Dawn French stuff huge amounts of Terry's Chocolate Orange into her planet some people call a face.

The book is now 560 pages long or wide, however you wish to describe a pile of paper which doesn't actually exist. It has the dimensions of a Stieg Larssssssson book, and we all know my views on that. It's a hernia-inducing, axis-shifting monster. But the bitch-from-Hell isn't happy, is she? Nooooo... I need to expand on this bit, add a little more detail to that character, pick up a gun and shoot her between the eyes etc. You get the drift.

So that's why the publication is late. I am losing a sale a week with these bloody delays and I'm, frankly, getting a little ticked off with the Dawn French of the book-eating world.

EOR - (end of rant) because I'm so hip and trendy with all this text speak.

I'm going to write my next book in the wingdings font, just to piss everyone off. , that's a comma by the way, and this is a full stop . Mail, no mail, mail, no mail.

DAWN FRENCH That says DAWN FRENCH in reality, but to me it says.... I don't like 2 cross death..... but if you had carried on eating those huge chocolate oranges death would like you and you'd be six feet under.

You may think I'm a little bit STRANGE  but wingdings actually comes into FBK3 at some point.

To tell you truth, I'm only writing this blog today because I'm locked in my apartment. Seriously! Not locked up but locked in. I'm waiting for a locksmith, the handle's broken and I can't get out. But next week I move into a fabulous beachfront apartment, which I've taken a six-month lease on. If I can get out of this place, that is.

Anyway my friends, I hear a van pulling up outside, it may be Mr. Locksmith coming to release me.

As I mentioned, I hope to have The United Kingdom Of Islam published in a week. So clear out your recycle bins in preparation.

MLS

I have links to Twitter etc but honestly? I can't be bothered to post them today.

XXX

The Facebook Killer ... It's Like Finding A Vintage Rolls Royce In An Old Barn.

WTFAYTA? I hear you cry, as your better half screams, "I hope you're not reading that idiot's bullshit again! If I've told you once I've told you a million times, he's nothing but a XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX"

Well, I will digress a little and then we'll drive around the roundabout together and get back to the point, you direct, I'll steer.

FBK 1 and 2 are still in the top 10 UK Apple iBook Charts and have been since they made it onto Apple, only two months ago. The books have been kicking the arses of lesser-known authors such as Stieg Larsssssson, James Patterson, Lee Child and Jeremy Clarkson (Where the f*ck did he come from?), Oh, I forgot to mention JRRRRR Tolkien, he's only around number 40. Shame on him and his dwarfs! I won't tell you how many thousands of FBK have been sold, I'd rather melt my trumpet down and sell it for scrap than blow it. Did I mention I also beat Warhorse?

ACCELERATE! I hear you cry. Well, FBK2 has just become #1 again in the UK Amazon thriller-horror chart and remains in the top 100 Thrillers (normal, boring thrillers, that is)

FASTER, TWAT! Relax, we're getting to the roundabout and the point of the story.

CHANGE GEAR! Oi, who's blog is this? Or should I call you Jeremy? Loser. God, I hate backseat drivers. Anyway *breaking slightly and dropping into third* My point is this...

It's a bloody big roundabout by the way, we might get lost.... You open the door of an old barn and see something hidden under ancient blankets, straw and a dead cow. The farmer has already told you that whatever you can find in the barn will only cost you a quid (That's $2 to my American / Canadian readers and yes, we're still driving on the left-hand side of the road, so pay attention) So, under the blankets you find a 1923 Silver Ghost FBK Rolls Royce. It's scratched and covered in pigeon shit (that's eagle shit in USA) The tyres are flat and it hasn't been run for 70 years or so. What do you do? Do you take it for a quid or not?

MIND THE BUS! Okay, here's my point. Hello! Wake up! No one has a gun to your head, demanding you read this. I know FBK still has some typos in it because I left them in there on purpose (The diehards will remember the arguments I had with the Literati when I first started this blog) The good reviews are still coming in. "Yes a few typos but a gripping story" or something to that effect.

THE POINT! *check rear view mirror, indicate and pull into the taxi rank* Readers like to think they've discovered something themselves. A gem, rough diamond, fossilized dog shit, whatever. I know a lot about antiques and I know that people would prefer a three hundred year old chest of drawers, straight out of a family home, complete with patina than an over-restored one with replacement handles from Christie's of London.

POLICE CAR APPROACHING. DRIVE! So I have to ask myself. If my old chest of drawers, covered in fingerprints and with a pair of dirty old socks left in the top drawer, can kick arse in the Apple and Amazon charts, should I bother to go back (again) and correct the typos? FBK is raw, it's supposed to be. It's in your face and I make no apologies for that. It's tub-thumping, rip up the rulebook, new generation writing (so my Great Aunt Doris tells me). It's a scratched Rolls Royce under a dead cow, but it's selling better than Jeremy Clarkson's Ferrari and Tolkien's hearse.

BLUE LIGHTS FLASHING BEHIND NOW..... O.K GET OUT AND WALK HOME! All I'm saying is that I write for real people. People who don't care about a misplaced semi-colon here and there, readers who are more interested in the story than the use of words that make them feel intelligent after they've looked them up online, because it's not in their dictionary or thesaurus. Words, which they will later use at the Doctor's cocktail party, and then the Doctor will look up online etc. etc.

Get the point?

No?

Maybe next time.

Anyway, I'm going to be a coward and correct those typos now.

As always, it's been a pleasure.
Take care my friends and remember, as Jeremy Tolkien Larssson says in his book "WarCow" ........ Be Brave, Be Brave.

Best Regards,
MLS


UK Apple Book Charts (If you think I'm lying)
Twitter Rubbish - @AuthorMLStewart
E-Hate Mail - ml.stewart@yahoo.co.uk

But WAIT! There's more..........
Kate Aaron said...
actually it's better than that:

The Facebook Killer: Part One has appeared on the charts 117 times. It has appeared on charts in UK, USA. It has appeared on the Fiction & Literature , Horror , Mysteries & Thrillers genre charts

The Facebook Killer: Part 2 has appeared on the charts 147 times. It has appeared on charts in UK. It has appeared on the Mysteries & Thrillers genre charts.

The Sunday Club: The story of the ultimate English Robbery. has appeared on the charts 17 times. It has appeared on charts in UK. It has appeared on the Mysteries & Thrillers genre.

www.bookchart.info (warning ~ this site is addictive!)

Thanks Kate, here ... take my trumpet :)

The Facebook Killer Still In UK Apple Top 10

PRESIDENT OBAMA IS DEAD (a childish attempt to rise through search engine results when it happens)

Well, as of today I have been writing solidly for one year (almost seven days a week) and what have the results been since I first published four months ago? Around ₤4,500 ($9,000), just short of 50,000 readers, took the #1 spot for thriller/horror (okay only for a day), received some excellent reviews and some soul-destroying ones too, an insight into the bitchy world of self-publishing, two nicotine-stained fingers, cirrhosis of the liver and a fatwah on my head...a pretty damn good year, all in all!

Did I prostitute myself? Well, put it this way, if I was a woman I wouldn't be able to ride a bike for several months, unless I replaced the saddle with a sofa.

Has it been worth the trauma, frustration, loss of eyesight, paralysis of the fingers and investment in a top of the range commode to save on trips to the lavatory? I would have to say...ask my psychiatrist.

But seriously, the success of FBK has been heartwarming. I honestly had no idea there were so many bloodthirsty, deranged psychopathic readers in the UK.

What have I learned? NON AUTHORS MAY SKIP THIS BORING BIT -Don't spam your books, if your stories are good enough and unique, readers will find them. It may take months or even years but don't give up. It's a cliche but as they say, keep writing. Don't take bad reviews to heart and don't change your writing style to try and appease. You have your own voice so use it, that's what makes us different to so many of the dinosaurs out there. If you are thinking about signing up with KDP lending, don't delete your books from Smashwords, the "unique" clause is bullshit. All my books are still available; they're just trying to bully you. Don't spread yourself too thin posting on every forum under the sun, get on with your work. Write every day, if you can, even if it's only a couple of hundred words. It keeps the story going in your mind. I found that I have to become my characters. I think like them and feel what they feel and I hope that comes across in my writing. Most importantly, never give up and more importantly than that, never write paragraphs the length of this one.

----------------------------------------Boring bit over---------------------------------------------

The more observant readers of this tiresome blog may have noticed the fact that I have changed the date on the heading to Christmas 2012 and so the fight goes on. Only another 450,000 books to "distribute" and twelve months to do it in..... someone oil this f**king hamster wheel, will you?

And so as we head for yet another year, God, all these years are starting to get a bit boring now, it is my resolution to conquer the world (again), but that'll have to wait until after the finger transplants.

If I was asked to describe my year, which I never will be, so I'll tell you anyway...*reader yawns and scratches bum crack* I can only compare myself to a centipede with leprosy; full of fire and gusto as I embarked on my writing career, only to find bits dropping off as I raced along. Until I eventually hopped over the finish line just to have my last hopping leg drop off. My how the stoned tortoise laughed.

Having spent a year living like a hermit, just me and my trusty laptop, I got to thinking. My laptop has everything; it has made so many things redundant. I no longer need a phone as I can Skype, I don't need a watch or a clock, television or DVD player, nor a radio or stereo. I gave my camera to a charity for blind kids and now I take my laptop with me on sightseeing trips, it's a little cumbersome, granted, but it takes decent pictures. I don't need shops anymore as I order everything online. I have a solar charger for my laptop, so I don't even need electricity.  All I need is a laptop big enough to live in. A laphouse (no Lapland jokes please) and my life will be complete.

Anyway, enough of this toss. Fragment (consider revising) I will return in the New Year to further your curiosity of why you continue to read this rubbish.

Until we meet again, my friends, have a great New Year, get smashed out of your minds, keep your pets inside so the fireworks make them shit on the carpet instead of in the garden (That last part does not apply to farmers) but most importantly remember why we celebrate the joyous coming of another year.........?

Best regards

MLS

PS. The United Kingdom Of  Islam should be available for your lovely little Kindle machine in the first week of January... I hope.

https://twitter.com/AuthorMLStewart

The United Kingdom Of Islam Trailer.

Okay so it's after Christmas and I missed my target of half a million books by a little over 90%. Nevermind, the show MUST go on!

Regards,
MLS

E-post: ml.stewart@yahoo.co.uk
Twitter-post: @authorMLStewart