I Can’t Think Of A Title For Today’s Blog...

...So we’ll just get stuck into it. A milestone has been reached, on Tuesday the readership of ML Stewart books was 14,487, today at 14:00 Big Ben Time it stands at 20,006. At this rate I only need to sell or giveaway 5,333 books each day between now and when Santa Clause pops his fat arse down the chimney to succeed in my experiment. In the last two days, sales of The Facebook Killer 2 have jumped to almost 300 per day. I put it down to what I call the Kindle Sponge Effect. 17,700 people have FBK1 on their kindles as well as another 50 or more free Ebooks, by the time they get around to reading it they will then hopefully buy Part 2. This could go on for weeks, months or it might stop tomorrow. By my reckoning only 8% of people who have FBK1 have bought FBK2, but with sales steadily rising and FBK3 The Xmas Special due out in seventeen years, I have a very, very, miniscule chance of completing my challenge by Xmas 2028.

My accountant is really starting to get on my tits. He sent me an email yesterday about my chosen profession as an author. It was littered with spelling mistakes and grammatical errors so I gave it a 1-star review, anyway I digress. It went something along these lines. “Dear Mr Stewart, I am writing to you regarding your outstanding bill with Robin, Bastard & Proud. I am afraid to inform you that the current revenue generated from your “books” will barely cover our telephone calls on the subject, never mind our services. Therefore we have issued a court order to have your computers seized and a Section 7 mental evaluation to determine whether or not you are fit to live alone.” The worst of it was, that sneaky little bastard went and bought Rooney the cactus from under my nose, so now there’s going to be a custody battle on top of everything else. Anyway, moving along...

You know you’ve F**ked Up when you receive an email like this one.

MaryBXXXX@gmail.com wrote: Dear Mr. Stewart, I really feel like I have to write to you about this. I have just read your book the Facebook Killer on my kindle. I admit it was an excellent read but something that stuck in my throat was the execution of the twin boys. I was moved to tears and felt more than a little ill. The reason for this is that I have two twin girls and our surname is Bridgewater too. Is there anyway you can change the surnames in the book? I know it sounds silly but I just cant stop thinking about it.

Thanks. Mary Bridgewater.

ML Stewart said: Oops! It’s a little too late for that Mary, my dear. Perhaps you can change your surname instead.

Well you know what they say “You can’t kill all of the people all of the time.”

Christ, what did we do before computers came along? Imagine the women would still be making “Home Sweet Home” needlework samplers whilst their sons practiced the harpsichord. “Pass the snuff darling.”

I have to go now, I have murder on my mind.

Regards,

ML Stewart

ml.stewart@yahoo.co.uk

 Stefania wrote: Hi there ML Stewart. Is there a chance I can contact you private?
Thanks,
Stefania.

As long as you're not a Russian man pretending to be a beautiful mail order bride then you can contact me on the above address.

If The Kindle Is To The Book What The Combustion Engine Was To The Horse...

Then where do we go from here? Am I in a philosophical mood today? No. I just couldn’t think of anything better to say. Now, did I just say that? Or did I write it? Or did you just think that I said it because you read it?

For those regular blog-readers (or is that listeners?) you will remember that I purposely caused an online outrage when I was rude about someone’s comments regarding my unique use of grammar. A stunt, which boosted viewers of this site and readership of my books tremendously, I hasten to add. The point of my argument was that many self-published Ebooks contain spelling and grammatical errors (not everyone is perfect nor can everyone afford the cost of an editor) I stated that you can see past these errors and that as long as you know what the author means it shouldn’t necessarily affect your enjoyment of the book. I used the example of TXT SPCH. I have included a further, far more dramatic example below, one, which, many of you may have seen before.

I cnduo't bvleiee taht I culod aulaclty uesdtannrd waht I was rdnaieg. Unisg the icndeblire pweor of the hmuan mnid, aocdcrnig to rseecrah at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mttaer in waht oderr the lterets in a wrod are, the olny irpoamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rhgit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whoutit a pboerlm. Tihs is bucseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey ltteer by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Aaznmig, huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghhuot slelinpg was ipmorantt! See if yuor fdreins can raed tihs too.

After the initial anger subsided over my bollocking of an obviously well educated author, some people understood my point while others called me a moronic asshole. A term I felt quite at home with. This online debate has now developed into an interesting discussion regarding Audio books. Is listening to a book the same as reading it? Which brings me full circle to today’s headline. We now have software to make our own audio books, will this eventually supersede the kindle, Ipad etc. Imagine you can go jogging and still be reading / listening. You can “read” chapter 10 whilst driving the kids to school. In short, one day will we all stop reading and just start listening? Who knows and more importantly... Who gives a f*ck?

Click here ONLY if you are interested in talking books and rude bastards

For some strange reason FBK1 and 2 made a dramatic leap in sales overnight, but not big enough to take the #1 spot from that highly acclaimed and far more successful author than myself, Mr. Stephen Leather. I put this jump in sales down to someone either being drunk and hitting the wrong button or some cunning hacker, locked away in a dark shed in Ohio somewhere trying to single-handedly bring down Amazon.com by distributing my book to unsuspecting readers via a virus in the hope that they will never want to read a Kindle book ever again.

For my faithful followers I have posted a sneak preview of FBK3 at the end of today’s blog.

My accountant called me today with the financial status of my book sales, when he finally calmed down and stopped laughing; he suggested that I ask for the deposit back for Rooney the cactus.

The dictionary, which I bought online, eventually arrived this morning, it’s going to prove very useful for my future writing, there is a picture next to each word, the cat is especially well drawn.

Before I go I would just like to quickly remind the newer readers about the reason this blog was started. If I can sell, giveaway or force down someone’s throat half a million of my Ebooks by Christmas, then I will donate all of the proceeds from my first book written in 2012 to charity, but believe me it won’t be the Apostrophe Society. If anyone can help me out by including links on their own blog or Facebook etc. we will see if we can achieve this together.

SB Jones said: 100 sales a day is nothing to sneeze at. I have posted on other blogs and forums about the price of a free book and what it can do to all the others you have as well. I think it is one of the most powerful tools a self published author has. However it works better with each title you have. If its your first and only book. It might get downloaded 100,000 times but you see $0 for it. Add 5 other titles and the free one generates 500 other sales across the line.

Think if you had FBK 2, 3, 4 and a Christmas special available when FBK1 went free?

ML Stewart replied: Hi again SBJ you are very right, FBK1 going out for free was my leg up, however I didn't want to complete FBK2 until I got some feedback. If part 1 had bombed then I would have wasted so much time writing the follow ups.

Regards

ML Stewart

As promised.....the sneak preview.

                            The Facebook Killer: Part 3

ML Stewart.

Well? What do you think?

Rooney Is Within My Grasp...

That title is to force the lazy ones to read previous blogs to find out what the hell I'm talking about. It serves no other purpose....moving along.

WHAT MAKES A GOOD BOOK?
And don't tell me 350 bits of paper and a cover. I mean what makes a good read? Does anyone know the answer, of course not! I was reading through some of the reviews for FBK1 yesterday. It's amazing, they range from 1* right across the spectrum to 5*. Some of the writers of my best reviews use worse spelling and grammar than I do. One of them actually calls it grammer, but I love them all the same. It just interests me on a sociogical front that one person can call your method (or style) of writing brilliant yet someone else feels that it's immature. The latter being an anonymous comment ... of course. Now don't get me wrong, one man's meat and all that, reviews don't bother me, they help us learn or adapt, but they aren't exactly suicide material, are they now?
Sticking to the topic for a moment. I broke one of my golden rules yesterday, I sent the butler out to by me a book. I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about this reading lark. I told him to get me a Stieg Laaaaaarrrrrssson book, it didn't matter which one, "ask the bookseller which they prefer and make sure it's in English" I told him. So he comes back with a book about the size of the bloody Bible, hardback with a picture of a woman wearing a black crash helmet on her head. Now I don't wish to speak ill of the dead (and I'm not talking about the blokes that wrote the Bible here) but I sat up until 5:00am reading that book and I only got to page 240. And you know what (If you are a fan please do not read the comments in red)   I thought it was crap.
There are about 300 different characters in it with names like Freugenhassellenwurkeburg and when this woman, Salamander goes to buy furniture for her house, my God! it's like..."she chose a desk, the one with the beech veneer and three drawers down either side which measure 20 x 30 x 80, the ones with the chrome handles that look similar to the ones you would find on a 1964 Alpha Romeo Spyder........" you get my drift. I gave up.
My point being? You probably think that I have no right to slag off a book by one of the world's most renowned and biggest selling authors, but I do. We all have the right to our opinions (and you know what they say about opinions?) For every million people that love and worship Stieg Llllllaaaaaaarrrrrson's books there will be one "me" that thought it sucked balls. For Christ's sake, I'm struggling to pay for a cactus, he could probably have bought the entire Nevada Desert by now (feel free to correct me if they don't have cactuses, sorry cacti, in Nevada, but you can see where I'm coming from.) Maybe he used to write the Ikea furniture catalogues?

FBK1 is still being downloaded by around 1,000 UK citizens per day. In offices, prisons and in long queues with nothing else to do. At 3:30pm Big Ben Time, it stands at 14,429. (since 1st September)
FBK2 is being bought by around 100 readers each day. It is #19 in the UK Thriller charts and around #45 in the Top 100.
SC remains in the Amazon Top Million.

I have decided, against my better judgement, to write a FBK Christmas Special. Now, and I know this is warped, but the thought crossed my dark mind to make a kid's horror book, so that they can discuss Mr. Madison's behaviour with mummy and daddy but then I thought of the backlash and the ultimate ban from publishing on Kindle ever again. It would be fun though, "Mummy what does it mean when someone connects your genitals to a high voltage generator? " I'm busy son, go and ask your Father."

I also contemplated writing a short story on the exhorbitant price of cacti, or maybe I could write a non-fiction / educational book, "How not to make money on Kindle."

I received an unusual email through my new email address ml.stewart@yahoo.co.uk

Dear Mr. Stewart.
I have been reading your Blog for some weeks now and I think you are an asshole.

ML Stewart replied: If that's Uncle Nigel can I have that £200 back that I lent you last Xmas.


Anyway, enough drivel for one day.
Just remember kids, it doesn't matter what you're doing, never give up! Unless it's crack cocaine of course, but Daddy will explain that to you.

MLS

13,000 Kindles In The UK?

... I wonder how many of those are stolen?

I have a new email address: ml.stewart@yahoo.co.uk If anyone wants to email me please feel free to do so,  I'll tell you why. I spent some time yesterday browsing through some other authors' blogs and to be perfectly honest, between you and I, most of them are pretty f**king boring. Banging on and on about... "my latest book has been #10 in the New York Times Bestseller list for the past 98 days, 3 hours and 12 seconds." Some of them are more pompous than others, but I couldn't find one that actually tried to have a laugh like a real person. I assume most of my regular blog-watchers realise that I am a very tongue-in-cheek kind of psychopath.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm never going to make a lot of money from my books, but that doesn't matter. One thing I am bloody sure about is that if I am going to be glued to a computer screen for hours every day writing stories, I am not going to spend my spare time taking myself too seriously. Even if I only have 500 people to read each of my books, a loyal band of sickos, then I'll be happy. That is the reason for the new email address, so that you don't have to go via Marco my "mailman" anymore. It's a direct line but the IP address is re-routed so if you work for Interpol, don't get too excited.

I think my accountant is taking the piss, I went to the garden centre yesterday to choose my cactus, the owner just laughed when I told him how much I had to spend. "Piss off," I told him, "Do you know how much you earn selling a book on Kindle?" I asked. After much negotiation, I manged to leave a cash deposit on the smallest cactus he had. It is a little shrivelled but he says that he'll water it for the next three months until I can afford to pay the balance. I've named it Rooney.

So what am I working on now? I hear you all cry with eager antici.........pation. (Apart from my spelling and grammar skills?) Well, I have begun to write a book which I planned a few years ago. It is something I feel passionately about, I'm not going to give you any ideas in case someone else steals the idea. It's set a few years from now in Britain. The working title is UKI. I have completed the first two chapters and I'm hammering away every day now. I am quite caught up in it (Oh Oh more grammar mistakes) If you liked FBK then I hope you will like this. It is a totally different story, I know I will probably be criticised for not sticking to a specific genre but I am the President of the Anarchist Authors Association (or I will be when it's formed). Don't worry gore fans, I will include some especially for you.

One reason that I writing UKI is because the scenario will happen one day, as will FBK. There will, undoubtedly one day be a real-life Dermott Madison. The Sunday Club, also, a robbery which we planned but never took place. The most ingenious robbery that anyone would dare to carry out. I want 50% by the way if anyone gets away with it.

Anyway, your bosses don't pay you to surf the internet. Get back to work, it's people like you that have made the economy what it is.

Regards
ML Stewart
ml.stewart@yahoo.co.uk 

FBK3?








Let's be brief about distribution. (These figures are from the last six weeks of this insane experiment and include a vast amount of free books)

KINDLE
FBK 1:  13,281
FBK 2:  582
SC: 82

SMASHWORDS
FBK 1: 490
FBK 2: 3 (only went live last night)
SC: 49

TOTAL DISTRIBUTION: 14,487.
Only another 485,513 to reach my goal.

Imitation Is The Sincerest Form Of Flattery...

...but in this case, I am a little less than flattered. I suppose I ought to feel proud that I have my very own stalker, a thing I had always associated with the rich and famous, the Beckhams and Pitts of this world. To me, this is indicative of our decline in social standards and moral values, when someone decides to stalk someone on a rung of the ladder as low as myself. What am I talking about? Well, my Chief Of Internet Security has brought to my attention the fact that someone, somewhere, has posted a comment or two on certain forums, signing themselves ML Stewart. Now let’s get this straight. If I wish my reputation to be sullied any further than it already is, I am quite capable of doing so myself, I don’t need anyone else’s help. So, please, STOP! Or you will be found and the boys will drastically reduce the length of your fingers. The only blog that I write, or comment on, is this one, so if anyone spots comments on another author’s blog or a forum not related to Ebooks, it has absolutely nothing to do with me. I may behave in a rather strange manner but I know when to draw the line.

That aside, FBK 2 has made it into the Amazon Top 100, earlier today it was placed at #54. It is still sitting in the #2 spot for Thrillers and Horrors. I will update distribution levels in my next blog.

Julie Wrote: Hi there

I,ve just finished reading The Facebook Killer books and just wanted to say I thought they were brilliant, I couldnt put them down!  My daughter thinks these have been made into a film, I,ve had a look on google but cant find it, is there a film version out? and is there going to be a part 3?? :-)

Many thanks for a great read

Julie

I have received three emails regarding the film version of “The Facebook Killer”, mentioned at the end of the book. Unfortunately this is fictional, for now. As for the questions regarding a Part 3 of FBK, I know, commercially, it is a good move, but I think I will leave it there. After all, who ever talks about Jaws 2?

Today I have sent one lonely copy of FBK off to an unsuspecting agent in London. I have decided to try the approach of making them feel special, whether it will work or not remains to be seen.

The Sunday Club, my first book, remains in the Amazon Top Million and sales are picking up a little in the UK. It received its first 4½ star review and guess what, it contains some grammatical errors, no surprise there then. So starting tomorrow, amongst everything else going on in my insane life, I must proof read it again, besides that I am going to buy a primary school book on grammar and possibly splash out on a dictionary while I’m at it. 

I had a meeting on Saturday with my accountant and he informs me that with my earnings from Kindle so far, I can afford to buy a new pair of curtains for one of the bedrooms and a pot plant, he suggest a small cactus would be appropriate. I was heartened to hear him say that if sales remain at this level, by Christmas I will be able to afford a table cloth and then, hopefully by Easter, a table to place underneath it. I am just flushed with excitement; the decision of what to spend all of my earnings on is indeed a tricky one.

Gary wrote: "The one thing that separates me from any of you boys out there is this...I DO NOT READ. I don't read other people's books, I don't watch movies, I don't speak to anyone."

Now, if you would just stop using the computer or the internet the world would be a better place.

ML Stewart replied: That’s funny, I like it, it’s the sort of thing that I would say. My quote about not reading seems to be have been misunderstood by some parties. It doesn’t mean that I can’t read. I just don’t want to read other people’s books. I don’t want any outside influence, so that in a year or so, someone can say “He stole that idea from such and such,” what I might do is steal someone’s use of correct grammar, that’s not a crime.

Anyway, enough drivel for one day, back to work.

Thanks for looking by,

ML Stewart,

P.S.  I hate cacti.

ml.stewart@yahoo.co.uk

THE RACE IS ON FOR #1 SPOT IN THE UK

I notice that within the past few hours the Right Honourable leader of the UK Kindle rankings for Thrillers and Horror has lowered the price of his book to 71p. After much ado, I worked out how to do this and within 24 hours or so FBK2 will be price matched. I am currently #2. GAME ON! At this point I must point out that I cannot cheat because 1) I do not have a credit card and 2) I cannot purchase ebooks via Kindle UK as I am resident outside of the country.

This price change comes only two days after my declaration of war. This will be a fair fight on my behalf. May the best man win!

My only regret is that if I manage to reach the #1 spot, you guys won't hear the end of it for some time :)

MLS

Still Twiddling My Thumbs... Kindle UK Has Entered A Mini Ice Age

Kindle UK sales results are still frozen, since yesterday. So not much to report. FBK2 is creeping towards the Top #100 sellers at number #131. If I can make it to #100 just for a day then I will be happy.

For those of you that have read FBK1, there was an article in the Daily Mail today which talked about the "sunken" rivers beneath London, which featured in the book as we kidnapped Adrian Devoy, here is the link if you are interested The Hidden River Fleet.

For the  reader who condemned the book as being too gruesome, there was a further headline in the paper, although I shall not include the link, which read... "Two Youths Arrested After Torturing A Boy By Putting His Penis In A Pair Of Red Hot Hair Straighteners." Now tell me that my fiction is too gruesome! This is real life children and getting worse each year.

I have started work on my next book, which will take some time, so during my breaks I am writing a series of short stories. These are modern day British crime stories. I am endeavouring to write one every two days. I hope to have them online, proof read and bereft of grammatical errors within three weeks. Don't worry, they will be cheap.

As soon as Kindle's sales results have defrosted, I will let you know.

As always, best regards and thank you for your continuing support,

ML Stewart.